"I issue a fatwa and call on the Muslim youth in America and Europe to kill everyone [involved with] the film," said an Egyptian cleric about The Innocence of Muslims, which depicts the prophet Muhammad as a violent, bumbling, pedophilic, misogynistic, racist turd.
The cleric's comment would be funny if it weren't for all the murdering and mayhem these fundamentalists like to commit, such as the recent rioting in the Middle East; the 2006 embassy bombing for Danish cartoons that also depicted the prophet; the death threats issued to the South Park creators; the assassination of Theo van Gogh; the fatwas on Salman Rushdie and Jerry Falwell. And, well, it all makes me wonder if these fundamentalist, fatwa-filing fatheads were deprived of oxygen in the womb.
Of course, all religious zealots must have been deprived of oxygen in the womb, especially these extreme, violent Muslim fundamentalists and Quran literalists who not only believe all the typical, kooky, out-of-their-minds, bat-for-shit-crazy crap—such as an omnipotent invisible man in the sky who listens to the prayers of mortals, has a team of angels working for him and will punish the bejesus out of you if you don't fear and follow his every word—but also believe in a place called Jahannam.
Jahannam, which is what Muslims call Hell, is one of the scariest, nastiest places about which I have ever read. According to Quran.com (and other sources), it has seven levels, or "gates," which are swarming with scorpions the size of donkeys and in which you will burn and twitch and thrash 70,000 times a day. Then, after a long, hard day of burning, twitching and thrashing, all you get to eat is the molten fruit of the dreaded Zaqqum tree, which are fiery demon heads that hang from branches and incinerate the innards of those who partake. This would definitely keep me from ever making a movie, cartoon or statue of the prophet Muhammad.
The practice of forbidding the creation of images of gods and prophets is called "aniconism." It should be noted that the filmmakers' sin is not that they depicted Muhammad negatively; rather, it's that they depicted him at all. Muslims who believe in aniconism scorn the praising of anyone or anything other than Allah, including any symbols of Allah, because to worship a symbol of Allah detracts from all the worship rays you could be shining on the actual Allah, which makes sense, I guess, if you believe in an all-knowing, all-powerful, eternal creator with self-esteem issues.
But here's the part I really don't get: Neither the Quran nor the Hadith forbids Muslims from viewing depictions of gods or prophets. They're simply forbidden from creating or worshipping them. So, what's the problem here? If you're a Muslim, simply prevent yourself from creating or worshipping any idols, and you're good to go. If some Oliver Stone wannabe makes a stupid movie about Muhammad, what's that got to do with you? Allah's got it handled. When the filmmakers die, they'll go straight to the Fourth Gate of Hell—Al Hutamah—where the only thing to drink is a boiling consommé of the blood, sweat and tears of the damned.
So, what's with all the murdering and mayhem when you truly believe that is what awaits the infidels in their eternal forevers? And, knowing what you know about what the Quran says about killing (it says "Don't"), why take the chance of damning yourself to the plane of molten devil fruit and poisonous donkey-scorpions. I mean, seriously, Extreme Muslim Fundamentalist dudes, do you even think these things through? It's a simple risk / reward analysis.
Oh well, I guess research isn't the strong suit of people who fly airplanes without learning how to operate the landing gear.
As for those who say, "I don't condone this violence, but I understand why they rioted over this disgusting video," may you gag on the consommé of the damned. As my hero Penn Jillette says, blaming the movie for this violence is like blaming a rape victim for what she was wearing.
"It does not matter if she was naked and wearing a sign over her head that says, Fuck me,' it is still rape," Jillette said on his podcast. "If she is a prostitute, it is still rape. Because what we are trying to be [is the kind of civilization] where women can dress any way they want, anywhere they want."
Indeed, there's a special level of Hell for people like that—an Eighth Gate of my own design called Deckertory—where devils flay genitals with shiny razors, pour liquid fire into your ears and spoonfeed the brains of your childhood puppy to a corral of vicious vampire-pigs. Then, as you lay bleeding and groaning next to your dead puppy's decapitated head, Rihanna will take a stool and read poetry about domestic abuse—for eternity!
The expression of an idea or belief can never be justification for violence, no matter how offensive. You don't like the ideas and images in The Innocence of Muslims? Well, drop a Xanax and turn the channel.
In fact, there's another group of people I'd love to send to Deckertory: people who freak out when someone offends their god yet have no problem attacking mine—the greatest god of all, the only god that doesn't care what other gods I worship, the one, true god: freedom of speech.
"Sordid Tales: The Podcast" is coming soon!