After the world ends, therell be two kinds of people—those who were ready for it and everyone else. My colleagues, who arent making plans for the future, probably wont make it past the event, whatever it is, and if they do, theyll likely end up enslaved or eaten, or quite possibly both. If a lifetime of post-apocalyptic movies have taught me anything, its that whether its zombies, global warming, the Rapture, a rogue comet or a Mitt Romney win in November, therell be survivors, and I plan on being among them. The worlds last day is the first day of my new life, and it will be a great one.
My first stop is City Farmers in City Heights (4832 Home Ave.). Brace yourself. When the end of the world comes, Whole Foods will no longer exist. No more organic pizza or fizzy coconut water. The only produce youll be eating is the produce you grow yourself. That decadent breakfast you enjoy this morning will probably get you killed tomorrow.
Ill be at Farmer Bills City Nursery. Not only is it a lovely urban setting; its also the perfect place to stock up on seeds and sprouted plants for my future garden. And City Nursery offers more than just plants. Ill also be cramming in classes on canning, curing olives and even raising chickens (thankfully, Chik-fi l-A will also be a thing of the past). Like Bruce Dern in Silent Running, Ill be tending the future of the earths bounty, and learning as much as I can in a short while, because in case you havent heard, the world is about to end.
Next up is Lucky Lady Casino (5526 El Cajon Blvd.,). Wait, Im playing cards at the worlds end? Of course I am. Youre going to have to be able to read people on this cursed planet after the apocalypse; otherwise, youll find yourself cleaning up your own entrails. Poker teaches you whether someone is being honest or about to draw down and go all in. It was Kenny Rogers who said that if youre going to learn to play the game, youve got to learn to play it right, and theres no better place to learn this lesson than at the Lucky Ladys daily 10 a.m. morning Texas Hold Em tournament, which brings out a truly multicultural miasma from across the socioeconomic spectrum.
Get in good with Realtors, lawyers, tow-truck drivers, psychologists and, yes, even degenerate gamblers. Sure, its a casino, but the Lucky Ladys charm is like a neighborhood dive bar filled with regulars and requisite characters. Its sort of like San Diegos version of Bartertown, that weird little city from Beyond Thunderdome. Just remember, youre here to learn, not win money, because soon thatll be little more than toilet paper.
Ill be hungry after that, so the next step is finding the Meat Men, because once the world ends, our days of bacon cheeseburgers are over. Youll be feasting on whatever kind of meat you come across, like cats and the morbidly obese, and youre going to have to make it last. Remember that old horror movie The Hills Have Eyes? In the future, if youre lucky, you will be that inbred mountain family that snacks on tourists.
The Meat Men have been curing some of the best salamis and sausage creations in town, and they do so without anything unnatural. Thats a good thing, because preservatives are going to be tough to come by in the scorched wasteland. You can find their work at restaurants around town, including Brooklyn Girl, Splash Wine Bar and Ritual Tavern, or hit up one of the farmers markets and buy direct from the source.
From wherever it is that I sampled their wares, Ill head on over to Kensington and the Ken Cinema (4061 Adams Ave.), whose 100th anniversary celebration is about to be cut short by the apocalypse. At this point, I deserve a break. Ive been prepping all day, and Ill probably have to shoot my soon-to-be-undead editor before long. So, I might as well see my last big-screen movie in San Diegos historic single-screen theater.
Its a gorgeous space, and the Ken really does have the best popcorn in town. If I have some extra time to kill, Ill grab some enchiladas and a margarita at Ponces across the street (4050 Adams Ave.), which will, essentially, be the last supper. Hopefully, the Ken wont be showing a triple-feature of The Road Warrior, 28 Days Later and The Road. Ill have plenty of time to deal with all of that before too long.
Finally, Ill wrap everything up with a visit to the Cuyamaca Water Conservation Garden (12122 Cuyamaca College Drive West in El Cajon). Its quiet, peaceful and beautiful, an oft-overlooked destination stuffed full of gorgeous landscaping and beautiful native plants, most of which are drought-resistant. Admission is free, and classes are offered on irrigation, raising succulents and, yes, urban chickens.
This is the perfect place to sit and ponder Armageddon. Also, its entirely fenced in and most people dont know its there, which means that it makes for a totally defensible base from which you can control and repopulate the new world. Oh, and did I mention the amphitheater? Its spacious, calming and has great acoustics, which will make it absolutely perfect for public weddings and/or executions.