John Waters hates Easter.
Well, the popular version of it, anyway.
He hates the hunt. He hates hard-boiled eggs. He hates the pastel-colored baskets and the shredded plasti-grass that goes in them. But, most of all, he hates the bunny. Man, does he hate that bunny.
Christmas, on the other hand, is a different story.
Since releasing A John Waters Christmas in 2004—a compilation album of hand-picked holiday oddities from artists like Tiny Tim and Jimmy Donley—the cult filmmaker and best-selling author has used every December to star in a Christmas-themed, one-man show of the same name.
What started as a handful of stand-up dates in places like New York, Los Angeles and Washington, D.C., has now become a well-polished show that makes an annual trek through 15 cities, as far away as Australia and New Zealand.
"I hope it sounds like I'm just talking without any planning," Waters says, speaking by phone from his hometown of Baltimore. "But it's completely written out and rehearsed. I need to remind people of important things—like to never ask the fat person in your office to play Santa Claus. That's the worst, rudest thing you could ever do."
And while it's impossible for the transgressive auteur not to infuse his perverse holiday monologues with the same kind of bawdy humor he used in films like Pink Flamingos, Polyester and A Dirty Shame, the man once dubbed "The Prince of Puke" swears the show—which comes to Belly Up Tavern on Dec. 4—is more therapy than anything else.
"I don't have much tongue-in-cheek in this," he says. "I'm serious when I say I'm going to tell you how to get through Christmas no matter your religion, creed, sexual preference or relationship with your family. If you're a criminal, a capitalist, Republican or Democrat, I can tell you how to get through it. It's like a self-help meeting."
Despite the current version of his traveling support group unabashedly celebrating things like Christmas-tree violence and chocolate, Santa-shaped butt plugs, Waters' own Yuletide celebrations are relatively tame.
He designs and sends out a Christmas card. He gives gifts. He throws a party. And Waters always takes his turn when it's time to cook for the family.
"It's traditional," he says, "but everything has a twist to it. My mantle has the Unabomber birdhouse on it. My sister does a wreath on the front door, but it has prickly bushes that scratch you on the way in. I decorate an electric chair instead of a Christmas tree. But I've always said that to celebrate bad taste, you have to know good taste."
And gift giving and receiving? For the 66-year-old iconoclast, it's all about books. A bibliophile with a massive collection, Waters finds as much joy in fringe pulp fiction as he does Tennessee Williams. Whether it's a cheesy, soft-core sex book with a hilarious cover or an obscure piece of literature he hasn't yet acquired, Waters wouldn't want to unwrap anything else on the big day. For years now, on the top of his wish list are movies made into novels.
"I collect those because no one collects them anymore," he says. "It's a dead genre. And if anyone can ever find me the novelization of Pootie Tang, I'll give them a lap dance."
Waters is an accomplished author himself, with five books to his credit. The latest, 2010's bestselling Role Models, is a collection of essays, including reflections on Manson family member Leslie Van Houten, singer Johnny Mathis and Baltimore stripper Lady Zorro.
He'll follow that next year with Carsick, a chronicle of his recent hitchhiking adventure across the country. In it, he both imagines what might happen and documents unscheduled the actual pickups by, among others, a city council member, a married couple and the indie-rock band Here We Go Magic (they tweeted in disbelief at the time).
"The first third of it is a little novella," Waters says, "and I'm imagining the very best that could happen on the trip—vicious characters, sex, adventure. Next, I wrote the 15 worst rides possible. The day before I left, I wrote my own death, and then I went and really did it. Twenty-one rides in nine days. Most people thought I was homeless at first. The rest you'll have to read in the book."
If it seems strange that an iconic writer / director of 16 films has spent the last eight years doing one-man holiday shows and authoring books, it is, especially considering that Waters' 1988 film, Hairspray, was turned into a Broadway hit—before Hollywood remade it in 2007—and went on to become the forth-highest grossing musical in U.S. history.
But he hasn't stopped trying to make movies. He's been attempting to get his children's Christmas film, Fruitcake, which he describes as "The Little Rascals on acid," made since 2008. The studios haven't been cooperating.
So, instead, at least for now, all of that unrequited holiday commentary is channeled into his live act.
"I hate Easter," he says. "But I do like Christmas. I just think everyone's neurotic at Christmas, even if you don't acknowledge it. And that's just another form of neuroses. And that's why I'm here to tell you how you can both love and hate Christmas at the same time."
Waters is going to keep writing books, and he's going keep doling out Christmas advice and observations, until someone decides to finance Fruitcake. And if that day never comes, well, he's fine with that, too.
"It may never go into production," he says. "That's why I'm writing a book. But it's OK. I have many ways to sell stories. It's not that big of a shame. I've made 16 movies. It's not like I haven't spoken."
"A John Waters Christmas" 8 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 4 at the Belly Up Tavern. bellyup.com
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