Feb. 10 2014 06:13 PM

Answering the sexy emails I found in my junk box

spam for web
Photo illustration by Lindsey Votoline

    One of the pitfalls of having an email address attached to a column like this is that for every thoughtful commentary sent by a reader enamored of my brilliant insights into Internet culture, I receive several thousand unrelated mass mailings trying to scam me out of my dollars and personal information. Unscrupulous data miners send spidery bots across the web to suck up anything with an @ symbol, and my email is easy prey. 

    Now, it used to be that if I cracked open my email account, I'd find hundreds upon hundreds of inquiries from horny MILFs, lonely housewives, hot Lolitas, desperate nymphos and pharmaceutical companies very concerned about the size and stamina of my erection. But—and I can't believe I'm complaining about this—these days, the XXX spam has dropped off significantly, and I can't tell whether that's because of the chilling effect of powerful email filters or if their big-data analytic systems have somehow discovered I'm off the market.

    Still, a few get through, and so for this week's Sex Issue, I thought I'd respond to the randy stragglers.* 

    From: Sophie 34: My name is Sophie. I am a very pretty 34 year old blonde MILF with a great body (I work out every day). Don't get me wrong, I am married and I won't try to hide it. My husband however has been going on way too many business trips. Not sure what to believe anymore.

    Life is pretty boring at home. I miss having the fun I had in college and before getting married. We live close by it looks like and chances are we've even seen each other. I know, it's pretty crazy. I keep being asked to post photos and all that stuff because men are too lazy to meet in person hahaha, so here I am.

    This is a private and very secure place to meet people while still in a relationship. Be assured that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! 


    If you like what you see, then maybe we can start talking to each other.


    Dearest Sophie, 

    I'm sorry your husband is so inattentive to your needs. I understand that my prose has an irresistible allure that attracts many women, but I have to say that I think you're playing a dangerous game by cold-emailing men. As far as you know, if we were to hook up, I could have a barbed cat penis that will leave you howling in pain. I do not have a barbed cat penis, but unlike you, I'm chronically out of shape, and I just don't feel like my cardiovascular system could satisfy your dire need. I am one of the lazy ones. I do, however, know someone who might be just your type (and, based on his photos, I don't think he has a barbed cat penis either). His email is anthonyweiner@anthonyweiner.com

    From: Diahann-Bhan: Hi dearies!! Here is Diahann! I found your profile via facebook. I was excited! You're cute! I want to share some hot photos with you, babe! Got big boobs, and a big butt... and know how to use them :) Click bellow to view my (8) private photos:


    Dearest Diahann,

    While I'm intrigued by your mammarial and gluteal voluptuousness, what would really turn me on is if you knew how to use spell check. "Below," with one 'l' means lower down, whereas "bellow" describes a deep vocal outburst usually associated with an intense physical or emotional sensation. An easy mnemonic: "When I go below, you bellow." You should also know that I received the exact same email from Carilyn Aron, Charlotta Cinadr and Marlee Spalding. I'm told it's a tough dating scene, so you should include some details about your hobbies. Do you stand-up paddle board? 

    From: Pretty Girlie: Hey how are you doing? I enjoy your user profile. Are you wanting to check out my best non-public photos? E-mail me at prettygirlie@[email] and i am going to answer back with my private photographs.

    Dearest Pretty Girlie,

    I am doing splendidly. Thanks for asking. Also, thanks for appreciating my profile. I spent many hours choosing the right image. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for you. Google Plus now attaches your profile to your emails and, when I clicked over, I noticed that you weren't a pretty girlie, but a dude named "Jon Enriquez." You're a handsome man, but I have to tell you: Dishonesty is a huge turn off. 

    * Not really. 

    Email davem@sdcitybeat.com or follow him on Twitter @Maassive.


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