Al Howard is best known for being a member of bands like The Heavy Guilt, The Midnight Pine and The Black Sands, but he's also a bit of a raconteur. He recently released a new book of lyrics and stories, An Autobiography of No One, and it's full of some gold-medal zingers (and more earnest, serious parts, of course). Here are seven quotable highlights:

    • On the sacred duties of being in a band: "As a musician, it is your duty to sign a boob, no matter whose boob, or whose mother's boob it is, whether you want to or not."

    • On racial stereotyping: "Dear white people shopping at the record store, this photograph of Lionel Richie hanging at the store is not me. Please stop asking."

    • On being confused for a homeless person: "… [M]y girlfriend mistook a homeless guy for me outside of the House of Blues. To her credit he did look a lot like me and had a similar wardrobe. Hopefully he only got some spare change out of the mistaken identity."

    • On what he'd rather do than hear Christmas music: "I'd rather be Ol' Dirty Bastard's road manager. I'd rather live in a state that banned bacon and played Barbara Streisand [sic] exclusively on the radio. I'd rather be a Steely Dan fan, the dildo and the group. I'd rather relive watching the sex scene from "White Men Can't Jump" with my mom again, that was uncomfortable."

    • On Spotify's business model: "… [T]hey know that by interrupting the spiritual quality of Nina Simone's voice with the nails on a chalkboard of a Britney Spears remix CD is literally the one chance they have at getting my cheap ass to give them 10 bucks a month to shut up."

    • On irony: "This morning I woke up in a town called Liberal, Kansas. The only thing liberal about Liberal, Kansas is their liberal use of the word liberal."

    • On souvenirs in the middle states: "For a mere $50 you can purchase an electric Jesus with a neon glowing fiber optic crown / halo, on sale at your local Oklahoma gas station. I believe he both spins and saves." 

    The Black Sands, The Midnight Pine and The Heavy Guilt will be playing Howard's book-release party at The Merrow on Dec. 5. 

    Email or follow him at @1000TimesJeff


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