Al Howard is best known for being a member of bands like The Heavy Guilt, The Midnight Pine and The Black Sands, but he's also a bit of a raconteur. He recently released a new book of lyrics and stories, An Autobiography of No One, and it's full of some gold-medal zingers (and more earnest, serious parts, of course). Here are seven quotable highlights:
On the sacred duties of being in a band: "As a musician, it is your duty to sign a boob, no matter whose boob, or whose mother's boob it is, whether you want to or not."
On racial stereotyping: "Dear white people shopping at the record store, this photograph of Lionel Richie hanging at the store is not me. Please stop asking."
On being confused for a homeless person: " [M]y girlfriend mistook a homeless guy for me outside of the House of Blues. To her credit he did look a lot like me and had a similar wardrobe. Hopefully he only got some spare change out of the mistaken identity."
On what he'd rather do than hear Christmas music: "I'd rather be Ol' Dirty Bastard's road manager. I'd rather live in a state that banned bacon and played Barbara Streisand [sic] exclusively on the radio. I'd rather be a Steely Dan fan, the dildo and the group. I'd rather relive watching the sex scene from "White Men Can't Jump" with my mom again, that was uncomfortable."
On Spotify's business model: " [T]hey know that by interrupting the spiritual quality of Nina Simone's voice with the nails on a chalkboard of a Britney Spears remix CD is literally the one chance they have at getting my cheap ass to give them 10 bucks a month to shut up."
On irony: "This morning I woke up in a town called Liberal, Kansas. The only thing liberal about Liberal, Kansas is their liberal use of the word liberal."
On souvenirs in the middle states: "For a mere $50 you can purchase an electric Jesus with a neon glowing fiber optic crown / halo, on sale at your local Oklahoma gas station. I believe he both spins and saves."
The Black Sands, The Midnight Pine and The Heavy Guilt will be playing Howard's book-release party at The Merrow on Dec. 5.