June 1 2015 07:00 PM

God gave us the drought because he hates gays, duh

Ed Decker

Whatever the cataclysm, be it a tsunami, hurricane, pandemic or Kardashian family squabble, there's always more than a few lunatics who like to say the disaster is God's wrath against the LGBT community. The current drought is no different, with the likes of Bill Koenig from World Watch Daily, John McTernan of Defend and Proclaim the Faith Ministries and TruNews Radio's Rick Wiles all preaching to their respective choirs that it's the fault of gay people and/or abortionists.

Now, those of us who don't have a wad of drying clay in the reservoir between our ears know this is ridiculous. But you really have to marvel at the level of ridicularity one must plummet to believe in the smiting concept. It's outright amazing when you break it down. So let's do break it down, you know, for fun.

I'm guessing most religious people—the moderate ones anyway—will agree that it is quite daft to believe that God proactively punishes or rewards certain behaviors. I'm not talking about the after life, where we supposedly will all be judged, but in the here and now, on Earth. Just a quick look at how many innocent children die prolonged, painful deaths from some horrible disease while as many predatory, Wall Street weasels live full, extravagant lives should disabuse of you that notion.

But hey, if you can't concede that point, fine. I will concede it back to you. That's because there are so many more levels of ridicularity here, that one is not needed. So let's say The Almighty is an all-knowing, all-powerful, perfect being who proactively rewards the righteous and smites the wrongtious. Well what kind of creator would create a class of people with an un-ignorable sexual attraction to members of the same sex yet not want them to pursue that desire? Hard to imagine a benevolent deity being that cruel or making that big of a mistake, but I'm a reasonable sort of fellow. I'll concede that point, too. So I'll imagine, for argument's sake, that God liked gay people at first, then changed his mind. I'll imagine he created them without really understanding what it meant to be gay but found out one day when—while searching online for the documentary, Grizzly Man—stumbled onto a gay porn site.

Of course, it is doubtful that an infallible being would need to change his mind about anything, since infallible beings typically get it right the first time, but it is his prerogative. Thing is, couldn't he just fix his queer problem without hurting anyone? After all, it's not their fault he doesn't like the way he made them. 

Ah, but what does that matter? I'm going to concede the point anyway. Because the next argument will show how devastatingly dysfunctional one's brain must be in order to believe the smiting concept. Question: Why is there always so much collateral damage when God drop-kicks the wicked? For instance, Hurricane Katrina not only injured The Lord's target group, but others as well: doctors, nurses, firemen, those Going-To-Church-Every-Sunday-Old-Ladies, social workers, people who donate money for new orphanage wings, and Bible study group leaders who have never once considered scissoring or sword-fighting. I mean, infallible, schmimfallible, God has all the aim of a wino trying to piss into a thimble.

But guess what? I concede that point, too. Because my final argument is plenty sufficient to show the level of idiocy it takes to believe this idiotica. Dig this—in the last decade or so, religious monomaniacs have scapegoated homosexuals for a litany of hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis. Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed them for 9/11. In 1983, Pat Buchanan said AIDS was God's "awful retribution." And now the drought. You name it, everything from natural disasters, to war, to plague, to the fall of empires are, according to some, the result of The Almighty's outrage about gays.    

And herein lay the fatuity. In order to believe this, you must believe that a deity who knows everything there is to know about everything, can't seem to figure out that his smiting policy isn't working. After hundreds of years of bombarding us with one anti-queer missile after another, we still have a shit-ton of queers. And, they're thriving. We've got gays in the military, gays in government, gays in sports, gays in The Scouts, gays in gay parades, gays in marriages and, somehow, unbelievably, gays in the Church—bishops and priests—on God's payroll! Clearly smiting doesn't work. How does God not know that? Or, at least, why hasn't one of his advisors clued him in:

Advisor to The Lord Almighty: "Hey God, I've been meaning to talk to you about the California drought."
God: "Sure, what's up?"

ATLA: "Shit ain't working, dude. They still got the gays."

God: "All right, let's try something else. How about a hurricane?"

ATLA: "Been there, done that."

God: "We could do another flood. That'll show 'em!"

ATLA: "Yawn. Look, can't you just snap your fingers and make them be straight?"

God: "Hmm, never thought about that. Do you think it will work?"

ATLA: "Well, you can try it on me."

God: "Wait, what? You're gay, too? [Thunder cracks]. I smite thee, I smite thee! May blood rain o'er your village for seven seasons and every first born male set adrift in a river of acid, and, uh-oh, here come the bumblebees!—followed by pain, despair, death, agony, pain death, dea . . ."

Write to ed@sdcitybeat.com and editor@sdcitybeat.com. Edwin Decker blogs at www.edwindecker.com. Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.

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