Dec. 22 2015 03:39 PM

You’ve waited all year to sing these altered tunes

“Lumps of coal for all of you!”—Mayor/Santa Kevin Faulconer
Photo illustration by John R. Lamb

The premise is simple. As you read the following contorted Christmas carols, hum the originals. Do it internally, or belt it out loud. Sing these to your fellow transit travelers or regale your lunch companion. Just sing. Sing these songs...

El Niño
(sung to "Let It Snow")

Well, the weather folks sure are frightful

Forecasts truth, or merely trifle?

Flip a coin, San Diego

Will you show or just blow, El Niño?

Shit doesn't show signs of stopping

Well-coiffed heads stop short of popping

Skirts are rarely hemmed down too low

Ratings show it's boffo, El Niño

When the "cats and dogs" finally come,

How they'll hate going out in the storm

Day-Glo raingear looks really dumb

If the forecasts underperform!

Ponds and lakes are slowly drying,

"Climate change!" so many crying,

But Republicans still say no,

Let cash flow, oh Koch bro, El Niño!

Little Bummer Boy
(sung to "Little Drummer Boy")

"Run, dey told me," Trump coos on the stump

"Dis racist SOB?" Trump struts a thumb pump

Red baseball cap in ring? Trump hair takes a jump

"I REALLY AM DA KING!" Trump media bump

Trump lips go plump

Trump just wonít slump

Doctor pal says heís trim, no toxic-waste dump

"Stay out if you're Muslim!" Trump proves he's a chump

Mentally he's unhinged, Trump talks like a grump

Lady Liberty cringed, Trump just being Trump

Trump kiss my rump

Trump wins Iíll jump

To a new Trumpless land, Trump fans will not clump

Me and no Trump

Silver Bolts
(sung to "Silver Bells")

City sidewalks, busted sidewalks

But the mayor meanwhile

Fixes glare squarely right at Dean Spanos

Foes are laughing,

Bolts are passing,

Greeting smile after smile,

And on each cracked street corner you'll hear

Silver Bolts (Oakland jolts), silly dolts

It's ransom time in the city

Bring the bling (ring a ling)

Or we'll fling (a sure thing?)

50-plus years down the drain!

Carson beckons, Faulconer reckons

That it's all a big bluff

As the mayor jumps

In with bond treasures

Hear the toes crunch

Nixing Kev's hunch

NFL hearts will swoon

And above all this hustle you'll hear

Silver Bolts (miming Colts), fan revolts

It's moving time in the city

Here's the thing (ding a ling)

It won't swing (here's the zing)

Fans in to see a shit show. (Bolts blow!)

Silent Knight
(sung to "Silent Night")

Silent knight, Zimmerman's plight

All's not calm, video fight

Shelley's instance of media fail

Has her running with legs hiding tail

Prosecution yells, "Noise!"

Judge wags a finger, "Boys, boys..."

Media cite, their perfect right

To the balm, ratings might

Pressurized pols tweet their crisp white flags

But an appeal could pose endless snags

Jesus, what is it worth?

Are you afraid of scorched earth?

In foresight, perhaps a light

Should come on, cams at night

Inform the public who pay your way

So we know who, how and why you slay

Heaven knows your jobís not easy

But darkness just makes us queasy.

Mayor, It's Cold Outside
(sung to "Baby, It's Cold Outside")

I really can't stay (Mayor, it's cold outside)

It's a photo-op day (Mayor, don't you backslide)

The homeless have been (Hoping that you'd drop in)

So very nice (Your entourage was cold as ice)

My handlers will start to worry (Is that a snowflake flurry?)

And frankly this is starting to bore (Nothing like yachting bayshore!)

No really, there's a street to slurry (Meaning favors to curry)

Well, maybe just one pose more (On a campaign mailer this'll score!)

The neighbors might think (Mayor, it's Dems out there)

My refusal to link (Republicans don't care)

And to somehow kowtow (Kevin dear, why start right now?)

Ick, what's that smell? (Can't be that rosemary hair gel)

I always say no, no, no sir (Re-election season moving closer)

To sharing stages it hurts my pride (Yeah, that'll work if you go statewide)

I really can't say (Oh Kevin, you're such a Boy Scout)

Mayor, it's cold outside!

O Little Climate Action Plan

(sung to "O Little Town of Bethlehem")

O little Climate Action Plan, on shelves we see thee lie

Pols checked you off their To Do lists, and now youíll surely die

Yet in the small print shineth the mandates that give might

To hopes that breathing clean air some day won't stir up a fight.

O media trumpets blaring, the plan rises above,

While others sleep, the city reaps, and gives the world a shove.

The mayor brought together the folks who shared his mirth,

"My landmark legislation just saved good Mother Earth!"

But silently, how silently, some others aren't convinced,

That San Diego can avoid a plan that won't get minced.

Dark forces may be coming, to chuck it in the bin

But will brave souls stand up for it or take it on the chin?

O holy Climate Action Plan, we hope that you will stay

And suspects usually armed for bear will fear to shout, "Doomsday!"

But should deniers surface, then lawyers ring a bell,

"Don't make a fuss, we won't discuss, you all can go to hell!"

NRA is Gunning You Down
(sung to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

You better head out

You better just buy

Bullets no doubt

An eye for an eye

NRA is gunning you down

He's got a checklist

Of political mice

He can roll out

For a cheap asking price

NRA is gunning you down

He claims it's all peace keeping,

Like handing out fruitcake

Just separate the bad from good

And arm the good for goodness sake!

Ohh! You better not spout

A passive reply

He'll simply break out

One lie after lie

NRA is gunning you down

Don't you question this packin' clown

NRA means Nuts' Rights Abound!

Putin the Red-Nosed Reign Dear
(sung to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Putin the red-nosed reign dear

Had a very wanted nose

And if John Kasich saw it

A fist to it's what heíd propose

All of John's rival statesmen

Simply laughed at John's polling

They wouldn't let poor Putin

Endure such weak trolling

"I'd shoot down their frickin' MiGs!"

Christie came to say

Rand Paul jumped and took a bite,

"Starting World War III tonight?"

Then all the entrants shoved him

And they shouted out with glee,

"Putin the red-nosed reign dear,

Aren't we all so gutsy!"


See all events on Wednesday, Dec 7