March 9 2016 03:30 PM

Advice on dating someone going through a divorce

Amy Alkon

I’m a 39-year-old guy, and I just met the most amazing woman, but she’s going through a divorce. My best friend said to never date somebody while they’re divorcing, because they’re crazy and emotionally unavailable. He says you need to wait for two years afterward. Well, I really like this woman, and she likes me. If I dated her now, would I just be a rebound?

—Bad Waiter

There are clues to where on the divorce spectrum someone falls, like whether she makes offhand remarks along the lines of “I wish him well, but we weren’t a good match” or “I wish I could leave him tied up in a clearing so something would eat him.”

There is something to be said for waiting periods, whether you’re mentally ill and shopping for an Uzi or hoping to live happily ever after with someone who might not be entirely recovered from her previous attempt. But the blanket “wait two years!” advice is silly and probably comes out of a misconstruing of some research finding. (Also, as an epidemiologist friend frequently points out to me, these findings tell us how something seems to affect most people; however, there are important individual differences that get lost…like that tiny line about potential side effects: “Oh, by the way, 1 percent of the subjects ended up wearing all their teeth on a necklace.”)

Still, unless this woman and her not-quite-ex-husband got married a few months ago because they were super-drunk and standing near each other in Vegas, there’s a chance she’ll believe she’s ready to get involved before she actually is. Whether it makes sense to date her now becomes a question of risk analysis. Plug in the variables you know, like the ugliness level of her divorce, whether she starts every other sentence with “my ex…”, and whether she seems to understand where she went wrong (and take responsibility for her part in it). Factor in her fabulousness and your level of risk tolerance—how willing and able you are to deal if, a year in, she apologizes after realizing that she just needed a nice man to put Band-Aids on her ouchies.

Even if it seems unwise to date her right now, you can keep a foot in the game by seeing her regularly—like once a month—while keeping the temperature on low. Stick to daytime dates—short, bright light, no alcohol—and use abstinence-only measures that have been found to be highly effective, such as wearing Green Lantern Underoos. (As a bonus, these would double as incentive to avoid texting while driving and ending up the talk of the ambulance bay for two weeks.)

(c)2016, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail ( Weekly radio show: Order Amy Alkon’s book, “Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say The F-Word” (St. Martin’s Press, June 3, 2014).


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