So it's official. The Vatican has confirmed the second miracle by Mother Teresa of Calcutta and she will be designated as a saint this September.

Typically, it takes a lot longer. In order to be eligible for sainthood, the Church requires a five-year waiting period (after the candidate's death), an exhaustive investigation process into his or her words and deeds, followed by two attributed, posthumous miracles.

The first miracle came in 1998, a year after Mother Teresa died, when two nuns tied a medallion with her image around the torso of a cancer-ridden Indian woman who was cured soon after. The second came in December when a Brazilian man with a brain infection was cured after his wife and her pastor prayed like mofos to MT and—wham bam, thank you, gramma—Mother Teresa is now a saint.

And boy did that happen fast—faster than any other canonization in modern history. Because Pope John Paul waived the five-year waiting period, blazed through the investigation, and quickly promoted her to the "Hurry-Up-Ya-Old-Bat-and-Perform-Two-Miracles-Already" stage.

Well I'm calling bullshit.

Let's forget for the moment that dead nuns perform miracles at about the same rate that Donald Trump hires Mexican accountants. Let's also set aside that the Mother Teresa was a self-interested, unscrupulous witch doctor who no more deserves sainthood than Augustus Gloop deserves a chocolate factory. Setting all that aside, the question remains—why the hurry?

To put it in perspective, it took three miracles and five centuries for Joan of Arc to be canonized and hundreds of miracles and nine centuries to recognize Saint George. As far as badasses go, George and Joan make Mother Teresa look like the patron saint of bridge club.

See, the Catholic Church doesn't claim to create saints, it merely recognizes them. A saint is a saint whether The Vatican acknowledges it or not. However, through an investigative process called canonization, it seeks to recognize and honor them. The process is supposed to point to a potential saint, not the other way around. The fast-tracking of Mother Teresa by The Church is a clear conflict of interest—like a rogue detective who tweaks the evidence to convict his suspect, rather than letting the evidence decide who the suspect should be. That's why the miracles came so fast. Because they were waiting for them! Longing for them. It was just a perfect storm of confirmation bias, self-fulfilling prophecy and post hoc conjecture all rolled into one, gargantuan super fallacy.

From the moment Pope John Paul waived the waiting period, it was a sure thing. I mean, at that point why even bother waiting for miracles? He may as well have just swung his smoking incense thurible over a photo of the nun and uttered the magic words, "Two, four, six, eight, Mother Teresa is now a saint."

Father Brian Kolodiejchuk, director of the Mother Teresa Center, said the Brazilian man's brain recovery was confirmed as a miracle because there was a "...perfect connection of cause and effect between the invocation of Mother Teresa and the scientifically inexplicable healing."

Seriously? A perfect connection of cause and effect? I know The Church isn't all that hip to reason and logic, Father, but are you really that blisteringly asinine about common sense? Some people prayed for a man to get better and shortly after the man got better, and you call that cause and effect? So if the man recovered after taking a bath would you have claimed it was the healing properties of Mr. Bubble? Please. You want a real example of cause and effect? Here's one: The Vatican pushed for Mother Teresa to be a saint and voila! Now she's a saint. The Pope might as well have waved his golden crozier over a statue of MT and chanted, "Thou are Sainted. Schlemiel! Schlemazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"

So why the haste? Well, the Catholic Herald said it best: "Mother Teresa [is] one of the best advertisements for Catholicism...The coming canonization is likely to be huge." Indeed, what a brilliant PR move. At a time when membership and money is plummeting, a mother Teresa sainthood would be just what the witch doctors ordered. And it makes perfect sense they would want to push it through quickly. They need to get it done before everyone finds out what a horrid person she really was.

Oh what? You thought Mother Teresa was some sort of, well, Mother Teresa? Likely not. There is a lot of criticism swirling around her, such as a scathing expose by (shocker) the late Christopher Hitchens, reports from volunteers within the missionary about dubious tactics, and a British medical journal, The Lancet, which described the care within her facilities as "haphazard" and "disturbingly lacking."

Then there is her documented support of despots, tyrants and other fuckwads from whom she received money. For example, she publicly praised Indira Ghandi's ruthless decimation of Indian civil rights in 1975. She applauded scumbag Haiti oppressor, Jean-Claude Duvalier, as an advocate for the poor. And she pleaded leniency for the notorious Lincoln Savings and Loan weasel, Charles Keating—all of whom showered her with a shit-ton of money and privilege. Of course, I will admit bias against the Church and its pitchmen, but even the most rabid Catholics have got to be scratching their heads. As for me, it's just one more of a thousand reasons to think this organization is full of shit. Peace be with you. Amen. Gezundheit!

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