Full disclosure: I'm not much of a pot smoker. I don't even know if using the term "pot smoker" is so abominably lame that I just outed myself as the most embarrassing nana that ever lived. However, I have smoked enough pot to know a few things to never, ever do when you're high.

Like karaoke. It seems like a great idea. You're stoned and feeling pretty confident. The anxiety of being on a stage singing in front of strangers is replaced by a chillness that leads you to believe you can sing anything. You know who else feels super confident when they're picking out a song from the karaoke book? Drunk girls at a bachelorette party, who are the worst because they end up slurring and screaming through "Rapper's Delight." No one can do "Rapperís Delight" at karaoke. Not even The Sugar Hill Gang can pull that off.

And yet I stood on the threadbare karaoke stage of The Ould Sod in Normal Heights, stoned out of my goddamn mind ready to sing "Runaround Sue" by Dion. I kind of know that song. Not once have I sung it at karaoke, but I was positive I would dominate it when I bounced up to the mic.

What ensued was three minutes of me blinking blankly at the screen and begging the karaoke DJ to slow down the music in between a feeble attempt at singing the lyrics. "I should have known it from the very...this is going way too fast. Hey! Oh, oh, oh, ohhhhh. Dat, dat, dat, dat. I'm way too high for this." Someone booed. The crowd was embarrassed for me. I kept pushing on, but it was an affront to karaoke artists everywhere. So don't do karaoke, stoners. It ain't pretty.

Another thing never to do while high is accuse your oldest friend of giving you meth. If you're not a frequent smoker, very potent weed will destroy you. My lovely friend handed me a giant bong named The Green Lantern. In it was some intense, medical-grade weed that left a few other friends mildly comatose. Feeling a bit adventurous, I decided to take a small hit. That was the beginning of the end.

I started coughing violently. My insides felt like they were being scratched by a demon who delighted in inflicting tickle fingers on its victims. The high hit me right away. I politely excused myself from the kitchen, making my best attempt at being cool and normal. It only made me look more like a narc. I walked to my room not fully understanding how legs and arms worked. My whole body felt alien to me. Then began the meltdown.

Hidden under my covers, I shook uncontrollably and called my friend. "Did you give me meth? Be honest. You gave me meth." She rushed over and did her best to calm me down. When I started screaming about a spider on my ceiling that was definitely going to bite me, she patiently climbed to her feet from the bed and showed me it was just an exposed nail. Thank god for lovely friends. So yeah, don't accuse your wonderful friends of giving you meth when it's really your inability to handle anything stronger than schwag weed bought off a sketchy middle schooler.

Obviously, when you're high af, you want to eat the entire planet's worth of snacks in one sitting. But any stoner will share a story about a time they took the snackage way too far. One friend ate an entire tub of vegan cheese. Another ordered $75 worth of food from Taco Bell. If you go to Taco Bell you know that is a fuck ton of food. Like more than any one person should ever eat. I once took down an entire box of Fudgsicles. When a bit dropped on my exposed stomach, I just picked it off and ate it. To be fair, I do that regardless of whether I'm under the influence of the dank shit.

It's a good thing, perhaps, that ripping into a bong load makes your body melt so far into your couch that you become one. For those few hours of highness, "couch you" becomes your truest, dankest, form. But if you do manage to peel yourself off, remember what not to do. Before I come off as a total buzzkill, here are some suggestions from me and some true blue stoners on what to do when you're high af.

One buddy highly recommends hanging out on the Spruce Street Suspension Bridge in Hillcrest. It's quiet and secluded, and a fun little adventure to take. Apparently if there's a wind, the bridge slightly rocks which sounds terrifying to me, but whatever. Just don't be an after school special and fall off it while high. You'll ruin it for the rest of us.

Presidio Park has a beautiful view and is secluded enough to enjoy your high uninterrupted. Bring your munchies and chill on the grass.

Find a hot tub. I don't know where but maybe ask your parents since moms and dads always have access to a Jacuzzi, it seems. Old people just want to soak in hot water and drink wine, which is OK by me and how I plan to die. The last time I got high in a Jacuzzi, well, I don't remember much of what happened but it was insanely hilarious.


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