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Once the shooter in Orlando had been identified as Muslim, the Islamophobes of the world wasted no time blaming Islam for the attack. This was immediately followed by the Islamophobe-ophobes accusing the Islamophobes of bigotry, which was followed by condemnation from a mis-Islamophobe-ophobe—namely, me—a person who condemns people who condemn people who condemn Islam.

In other words, it's not right to call someone a bigot for pointing out the inherent bigotry of Islam. If you think that makes me a bigot please note, I am not condemning Muslims. I condemn Islam, a religion, which is simply a set of ideas. And no idea—religious or otherwise—is immune to criticism in a healthy democracy.
As for the followers of Islam, I harbor no bigotry: I do not want Muslims banned from the country. I do not want Muslims profiled in airports. I admired Muhammad Ali for dropping his slave name thereby terrorizing the Caucasian industrial complex. I was all for building a mosque near Ground Zero. And whenever I see an Arab on a plane I don't think, Oh crap we're being hijacked! I think, Man—I sure could go for some hummus right now.

I have absolutely no problem with Muslims per se but the religion they follow is rancid as a mangled-up road skunk decomposing in a cloud of its final death spray.

"[Muhammad Ali] understood the love preached by Islam that has captured the minds and hearts of over 1.5 billion followers," wrote HuffPo blogger Najma Khorrami. "This is the Islam that has taught love for centuries..."

Taught love for centuries?
You are aware of a certain, centuries-old tome called the Qur'an, right? The rulebook transcribed, if not outright written, by the overlord of the universe? The one that says you must "Kill [unbelievers] where you find them..." and about a hundred other bloodthirsty passages which I know you know are in there yet for some reason skip—as if the Qurían is a cookbook and you are skipping over the eggplant recipes.

Then there is Sharia law. Sharia is a legal framework derived from the Qur'an. It is the medieval, barbaric, ridiculous fucking insult to humanity which prescribes torture and/or death for such "crimes" as homosexuality, inter-religious marriage, adultery, apostasy (defecting from Islam) and/or simply not being Muslim in the first place.

It also contains the most egregious examples of misogyny under the sun. For instance, Sharia permits a man to beat his wife for insubordination. Female rape victims cannot testify against their rapist. A women's testimony counts as 25 percent. The list goes on. And if you think this is some obsolete system of rule, think again.

According to a 2013 report by Pew Research Center—a nonpartisan think tank widely considered one of the most credible in the country—there is widespread support for Sharia; especially in the Middle East-North Africa region. It should be noted that there are many countries with considerably less support, but get this. More than 60 percent of Muslims living in Uganda, Ethiopia, Kenya, Mozambique (and more) favor it as law. In Egypt, Nigeria, Jordan, Thailand, Indonesia and Congo more than 70 percent of Muslims support it. Think that's bad? How about Pakistan, Palestine, Niger, Malaysia, and Morocco Muslims, who clock in at more than 80 percent. Iraq has 91 percent. And a whopping 99 percent of Muslim Afghanis favor the savage tenets of Sharia so no, not quite obsolete.

About the gay nightclub shooting in Orlando, Samra Habib—a lesbian, Muslim photographer and activist—wrote in The Guardian: "...every time a criminally misguided Muslim commits an act of violence, the entire placed under suspicion..."

You're goddamn right Islam is suspect. What do you expect when its playbook calls for the execution of homosexuals? The only mystery here is how, with all its homophobic rhetoric, a gay human rights activist can even consider identifying with Islam. That's about as contradictory as a slaughterhouse chicken butcher identifying as vegan.

Friends, I have a dream. I have a dream that all the world's peace and love-loving Muslims will come together and rewrite their scriptures. I dream they will edit out all fear and hate and crimes against humanity or, at the very least, tack on disclaimers to all those hateful passages.

Quran (4:16): "If two men among you are guilty of lewdness, punish them both— just kidding LOL!"

Hadith (9.84.57): "Whoever changed his Islamic religion, then kill him—not!"

Quran (2:223): "Your women are your fields, so go into your fields whichever way you like— Oh, c'mon, you didn't really think we were serious about that now did you? We're just joshing around with all this stuff. Didn't you read Quran 5:544b: "...and Allah doth spoke, 'Go forth and make jokes. Crack wise to unbelievers, for they are certainly a silly people. Go forth and make jokes about women drivers. And doth not the gays listen to some godawful music? I mean, ABBA? Bronski Beat? Am I right? Make jokes freely but always remember to love them and respect them, as thou respect thy mother, and thy father, and thy garbanzo bean farmer...'"

Of course, the extremists will howl bloody murder. They will say the Qur'an is the word of Allah and cannot be changed. Fine. The moderates can just rename their new faith. They can call it Blisslam, and market it as a religion for the 21st century. A true peace and love-loving religion. A religion even secularists like me can get behind. As-Salaam-Alaikum.


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