Now that the presidential election is less than 50 days away, the campaign by the religious righteous to have us all start praying for a George Bush victory has begun.

For example, you have Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas asking his constituents to, “Pray, pray, pray to get George Bush re-elected.” There is also a popular website called,, which is currently hosting a prayer drive for the president. There is the Life Action Revival Ministries, who ask that you, “Pray the Lord to close the mouths of those who would oppose the President and his agenda for righteousness.” There is Touch Ministries, who have delivered pamphlets to U.S. soldiers abroad asking them to, “Pledge a prayer for George Bush.” You have Pat Robertson asking that everyone pray for Bush even though, he says, God already told him the Bush re-election was a lock.

And there are the people over at Annoint [sic], who have reported, in an astounding piece of-ahem-investigative journalism, that the French are praying for Bush to lose the election. Apparently, the French are trying to interfere with the U.S. government through prayer, so we need to pray for President Bush even more than the usual amount so as to, you know, counter the meddling prayers of the French.

Recently, Bill Maher asked this question about the properties of prayer: “If you pray for something,” he said, “but I pray for the opposite-who wins?”

What Maher refers to is your basic prayer conflict. There are two types: There is the Mass Prayer prayer conflict, when two groups of people pray for opposites-such as your run-of-the mill religious crusade, or a typical sports rivalry, or presidential election. Then there is the Head-to-Head Prayer prayer conflict, where only one person's prayer is in direct opposition to another. For instance, my neighbor is a lunatic, tweaker, psychopathic pet-torturing scumbag. Every night, all night, he hammers and drills and saws till dawn- indefatigably working on some unseen carpentry project-and I have been on bended, bloody knees every stinking day for the last two months praying the Lord Our God to strike my neighbor down with a Greyhound bus.

However, it just so happens that my tweaker neighbor prays every day that he not get hit by a bus (for some reason he's paranoid about busses). Thus we have a classic prayer conflict.

So how does The Lord Our Father, King of Kings, The Great Decider, decide whose prayer to answer in a prayer conflict? Easy. First he assigns a Devotion Factor to the person or persons praying the prayer. The Devotion Factor is the average amount of time you spend a day doing Your Lord's bidding (helping the blind, saving the children) subtracted by your Evilness Quotient (EQ), which is the average number of sins you commit daily.

So, in the case of my lunatic tweaker psychopathic puppy-raping neighbor—with his EQ rating of “Highly Evil”—it's clear he has an upcoming date with the grill of a Greyhound. As for the election, it is also clear who will be the next president of the United States. And I'm sorry to say, Pat Robertson is right. It's going to be George W. Bush for another term. I come to this conclusion because, although Bush has a significantly higher Evil Quotient than does Kerry, nobody is praying for Kerry. People who pray pray for Bush, and Kerry is just this lone, wandering, un-prayed-for street mongrel fighting for the dumpster scraps of prayer that Bush leaves behind.

Incidentally, the first recorded prayer conflict in history was in 502 B.C. It seems that at the exact moment King Xerxes was praying for Persia to have good fortune in its war against Athens, a young Athenian boy named Herodotus (soon to be a notable Greek historian-philosopher) was on his knees praying that the Persian army would “suffer the plague of a million flaming crotch locusts.” Since Herodotus was but a small boy with a high Devotion Factor, and Xerxes had a thing for torturing slaves and sodomizing moat rats, God answered Herodotus' prayers and plagued genital crabs upon the entire Persian army, ultimately causing their demise.

In the spirit of Herodotus, I leave you now with a prayer of my own:

“Oh, God the Father, The Primary One, El Numero Uno—Oh First Original Principle Principal—we bow before thee Lord. Now, I know you've already chosen The One Who Stutters to win the election, but please, Lord, could you temper his pace while he's in office? Impede his rampage on the environment, Lord. Postpone his invasion of France. Make him to be less stubborn. Aluminum-ize his steely resolve, Lord. And bestow upon him the art of hesitance, of delay, of inaction (at least until the next president arrives). And while I've got you on the line, Lord—Oh Holy Headmaster, Oh Creator of All Creations (And All Things Not Yet Created)—could you rush the release of Halo 2 for Xbox? Godspeed, also Lord, the aneurysm of Ann Coulter, and Sean Hannity, too, Lord, Oh Lordy Lord, Oh Fatherly Father, Oh Inventor of All Inventions, Oh Maker of All Things (And All Things Not Designated As “Things”), Thy Holder of Thine Exalted Patent, Keeper of Thine Cosmic Pink Slip, Oh Master of my... [crashing sounds]... What the Hell was that? Is that a bus? Holy Sweet Christ of Nazareth, a bus is crashing through my offi....


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