“Dear Mr. Decker, after doing an [Internet] search on ‘the real' Ed Decker, I stumbled onto your website and I must say, as a Christian, I find you and your work to be quite offensive.”
-J.L., Seattle

I received the above e-mail today. I've been getting letters like this from all over the country for about two years now. They started arriving shortly after my website debuted on the Internet. At first, I couldn't explain how all these people were finding my website, why so many were Christians and just who is this “Real Ed Decker” they kept referring to?

Then I received an e-mail from a disgruntled, long-time reader of my column who said that he had visited www.eddecker.com and was disgusted to learn what was there.

“You portray yourself as this advocate for atheism, but then I go to your website to find out you're just another Jesus slut, pushing the word of God!”

I had no idea what he was talking about, and my website is not Eddecker.com-it's Edwindecker.com. So I typed in www.eddecker.com to see what was there, and sure as God can't crap in a regular-sized toilet, there was another Ed Decker out there.

Yup, Eddecker.com is the official home page of “Saints Alive in Jesus,” the evangelical ministry of Ed Decker-a world-renowned writer and preacher who has written hundreds of books, articles, documentaries and pamphlets, mostly aimed at denouncing Mormonism, Freemasonry, Islam and other, as he puts it, “false teachings.”

Decker is almost 70 years old and has been at it for decades. His work is so prevalent on the Internet that if you conduct a Google search on “Ed Decker,” you will get 178,000 hits-177,990 of which are hyperlinks to his kooky shit. My puny website only justifies about 10 hits. Thankfully though, links to my website have a tendency to stand out from his:

Google Search Results for “Ed Decker”

1. “Ministry of Saints Alive In Jesus” (www.SaintsAlive.com).
2. “The God Makers” (www.giveshare.org).
3. GodisgoodfollowGod.com.
4. “Jesus loves you yes he does” (www.eddecker.com)
5. Lick, suck, fornicate, lust, blow me, I dig Satan and other love stories (www.edwindecker.com).
6. Etc.

Anyway, as a joke, I added Pastor Decker's link to my website. It says, “Meet the evil opposite of me in the alternate universe.” Shortly after, I received an e-mail from none other than the infamous Pastor himself.

Thus began the short and snippy correspondence between two writer-preacher men named Ed Decker: one, a world-renowned crusader for Christ. The other, an obscure local advocate for drink, drugs, heresy and sexual recklessness.

“Dear Edwin Decker,” wrote the Pastor, “someone sent me your URL and asked if I had another life as my evil otherself. So you're a bartender, eh? Not exactly Jesus' work.
Regards, E. Decker.”

“Dear E. Decker-I don't think Jesus disapproves of bartending. Jesus was a wino. Everybody knows that. Not that I care what the son of God thinks. All the religion I need is packed inside the throwing arm of Mariano Rivera. So, which species of ‘Ed' are you? You strike me as an ‘Edward'-testy and stubborn-just like your God.
Sincerely, The Heathen.”

“Dear Heathen-Yes, I'm an Edward. So is my son, Edward Decker Junior. He is 42, still single, lives in Oregon, runs a summer river rafting business and hangs out at atheist sites like yours. So, it seems writing is in the DNA of the Deckers. My great-grandmother was a writer, my father was a writer, I write... my sister writes some, but she is a commiepinkoliberalleftoffarleftloverofJesseJackson and she invalidates every single ballot vote I ever cast.
Regards, Edward.”

“Dear Edward-I am agnostic, not atheist. I believe there is as much chance that mankind was created by an invisible deity in the sky as I do that we were created by a floating, omnipotent butternut squash. And, while I agree, saving people from the dastardly grasp of the cult of Mormonism is a boss idea, dragging them into the dastardly grasp of Christianity is not. Oh well, out of the frying pan, into the friar.
All the best, Edwin.”

No response. No toodle-loos. Just dead air.

Such was the abrupt conclusion of the infamous Decker/Decker letters.

It was not, however, the last of the angry e-mails. To this day, I receive e-mails from my faithful readers, who think I'm running some sort of double life. They think the real me is that goofy pastor and that my depraved website is actually a decoy to draw unbelievers to God's holy homepage.

To this day I receive correspondence from certain followers of Saints Alive in Jesus, telling me, in effect, that I should shut down my website if I don't want to avoid eternal damnation. I always tell them, “Look pal, Satan is my webmaster, so click a link and go to Hell.”

Calendar

  • The renowned Mexican black and white photographer presents an exhibition exploring the principal themes within three groups: "Bestiarium"," Fantastic Women" and "Silent Natures."
  • Presented by Pacific Arts Movement, the sixth annual mini film fest features 14 film programs from 10 countries that includes everything from docs to romantic tearjerkers. See website for full lineup and...
  • Debunk some of the stereotypes surrounding cannibalism at this new exhibition that takes a hands-on approach to the subject. Includes video games and interactive activities where patrons will have to decide...
  • The former local boy and creator of the highly influential blog, Advanced Style, will be signing and discussing his third book, Advanced Style: Older and Wiser, which features inspiring pictures and stories...
  • C.J. Chenier and Bonsoir Catin headline this annual Cajun inspired festival. Also enjoy 10,000 pounds of crawfish, dancing and cooking demonstrations. Held at Spanish Landing Park, across from the...
  • A Cinco de Mayo party featuring $2 tacos, cocktails and live music from Bostich+Fussible, Javiera Mena and Gepe
  • A spoken word showcase hosted by English instructor Karla Cordero and her City College students. There will also be a special reading from poet Mercedez Holtry, as well as an art and photography show....
  • Widely known as host of "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live and for his role in the Showtime dramedy Weeds, Kevin Nealon brings his unique humor back to the stand-up stage
  • New works from over a dozen UCSD undergraduate students. Participating artists include Charity Algarme, Richard Lin, Joseph Maas, Ignatius Nguyen, and more
  • This video art exhibition from UCSD MFA candidate Stefani Byrd features two installations that explore the themes of breath, mediation, and the nature of time. Takes place in the VAF Performance Space,...
See all events on Thursday, May 5