July 18 2007 12:00 AM

And an answer ye shall receive

With San Diego's Gay Pride Festival upon us, CityBeat decided to help enlighten those of our readers who aren't quite in-the-know about all things homo by allowing one of our resident queers to answer their burning homo-related questions. Read and learn:


Dear Queer,

Why are most gay guys in better shape than my straight boyfriend?

Thanks, Spare Tire Tired


Dear STT,

There is a large portion of the gay male population known as “gym bunnies” who work out with a level of compulsion unknown to any straight male. The reason is simple: In certain gyms (read: Hillcrest's 24 Hour Fitness) the “workout” aspect of one's visit is merely a fortuitous perk. The primary benefit comes from being able to pick up a date in the locker room with virtually no concern about what they might look like naked later in the evening. If there were co-ed locker rooms, STT, he would likely become buff and burly in no time.


Dear Queer,

I've heard a lot about 'fag hags'-straight women who like spending time with their gay male companions-but what about straight guys like me who enjoy kicking it with our lesbian buddies? Is there a term for us?

Sincerely, Ocean Beach Bosom Buddy


Dear OBBB,

You, my friend, are what is known as a “dyke dog.” Dyke dogs are commonly found riding around on Harleys, golfing or going to Chargers games-all in the company of their girl-loving girlfriends. Most dyke dogs are smart enough to know that there's no chance of ending up in bed with their lesbian compadres, but a few dogs out there still think they have a chance of “straightening them out”-a prospect which everyone should know is laughable at best. By the way, OBBB, was that you I saw at the Ani DiFranco show last week?


Dear Queer,

It seems like all the gay men I know are obsessed with Cher. What gives?

Love, La Jolla Gypsy/Tramp/Thief


Dear LJ GTT,

If I knew the answer to that question, I would probably also be able to solve world hunger. The way some of my fellow 'mos fawn over Cher has always been incomprehensible to me. Maybe it's because she's the closest thing to a drag queen any biological woman has ever become. Anna Nicole comes in a close second (RIP, Anna!). As far as I'm concerned, her face is other-worldly (someone please stop her plastic surgeon!), her style is revolting (I mean, really, who wears a fishnet body suit with a single V-shaped piece of fabric covering her nipples and vagina under a black leather jacket on an aircraft carrier?) and her voice is so shrill. In short, LJ GTT, I just don't get it. But I guarantee you-if you belt out the words “Do you believe in life after love?” on a busy street, the gay boys will come running.


Dear Queer,

I've heard you guys recruit kids. Is that true?

Signed, Timmy


Dear Timmy,

While it is true that our recruitment incentives have recently been stepped up-the customary oven mitts and toasters we used to get for exceeding recruitment quotas have become lawn mowers and gas-electric-hybrid dune buggies-we do still draw the line when kids are involved. In order to become a full-fledged homo, you're required to present a government-issued ID proving that you are at least 18 years of age. Prospective recruits who are under 18 are allowed to become what we refer to as “provisionally gay,” which, at the most fundamental level, means they don't have to undergo the, ahem, “jumping in” process. After the age of 18, however, the “jumping in” requirement is strictly adhered to. So, tell me, Timmy, how old are you?


Dear Queer,

Is it true that gay guys have sex everywhere all the time?

Signed, That Sounds Good to Me



Oh, how your name says so much. Unfortunately, TSGTM, the myth that gay guys will use any venue for the sole purpose of fulfilling their coital desires is just that-a myth. I, myself, stand as a true testament to this disadvantageous reality. While such salacious speculations might exist in the realm of gay pornography (read: Gang Bang Alley Vols. 1 through 8-I recommend Vol. 6 as a particularly good example), the reality is that public gay sex happens as frequently as public hetero sex. Your chances of bathroom BJs are as good as mine, TSGTM, so have fun out there! I'll be looking for you in the malodorous men's room at The Casbah.


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