July 21 2010 10:14 AM

CityBeat grades Mike Hughes' campaign promises, Derrick Roach's complaints and other election nonsense.

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Charles Manson

Our regular feature in which CityBeat grades the campaign trail.

Helter Skelter

The California governor's race is synonymous with celebrity: You might run because you're famous (Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger), or you might run because you want to be even more famous (Gary Coleman, porn star Mary Carey).

This year, daredevil Michael “Mad Mike” Hughes hopes to dominate the sideshow with his celebrity candidacy. He'll be the first gubernatorial hopeful to complete a halfmile jump over the Colorado River in a rocket or die trying.

Hughes has also vowed to declare war on Mexico as his first official act.

In a July 14 press release, Hughes said he plans to use the governor's pardon power to release from prison, slap a GPS on the lunatic's leg and make him serve as a motivational speaker. Hughes doesn't state what Manson would be motivating (it can't be good) or how his plan differs from straight-up slavery (inappropriate even when we're talking Charles Manson about mass murderers). Consequently, we issue Hughes 500 turds because he says he'll charge $500 for citizens to attend the speeches.

Roach infestation

Derrick Roach is the Republican candidate running a nochance-in-hell campaign against Democrat Ben Hueso for the 79th District Assembly seat. If Roach's name sounds familiar, it's because he was also the “private investigator” who went dumpster diving behind a local ACORN office and published the economic-justice group's sensitive documents on the Internet.

Well, Roach isn't only a pest to nonprofit organizations; he bugs fellow Republicans, too.

On June 24, Roach filed a complaint with the San Diego County Republican Party, calling for the party's central committee to give members Kim Tran and John “Woody” Woodrum the boot.

Their crimes? Talking shit about candidates endorsed by the central committee, in violation of party bylaws.

In Woodrum's case, the gadfly circulated a list of his personal primary-election endorsements, “Woody's Picks,” which promoted Lincoln Pickard over the party-approved City Council District 8 candidate Adrian Vasquez and John Van Doorn over incumbent District 5 county Supervisor Bill Horn.

“In the case of Supervisor Horn, [Woody's] action was clearly detrimental to the party as evidenced by the close outcome of the election now requiring a November run-off with considerable expense to the party,” Roach writes.

We issue 2,554 turds to Roach, one for each vote that kept Horn from winning the primary outright�saving the party money isn't a good enough reason to suppress free expression. Plus, it's stupid to claim that one man's decided the election.

Woodrumresigned, but Tran stuck it out, and the committee was set to vote onher expulsion on July 12 for giving quotes critical of Lorie Zapf to CityBeat and Channel 10.

Thevote was “tabled.” That decision is worth 13.08 lotus blossoms, one foreach percentage point Tran earned in the primary and Zapf would've lostif the Republicans alienated the Asian community by kicking out Tran.

Bill him later

On July 11, the North County Times cameto its senses and retracted its endorsement of Supervisor Horn,realizing that the Republican is a hypocritical jackass who ignoresbuilding-permit regulations even though he sits on the committee thatwrites them.

Horn is accruing a rat dropping* a day as he refuses to remove the North County Times endorsement from his website�10 so far as of our publication date.

* An excessive amount of this was at an apartment building Horn owns in San Marcos.

Follow Turds & Blossoms on Twitter (@turdsblossoms) and send tips to davem@sdcitybeat.com.

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