Dec. 8 2010 01:26 PM

This week, Enrique experiences a one-armed bar fly

Honey-Ko
Honey-Ko
Photo by Enrique Limon

The Enrique Experience Longing for an exotic vacation? Then leave your passport at home (along with all your other valuables, for that matter) and head to Imperial Beach's Honey Ko (1436 Palm Ave.)

“FBI, buddy!” a regular named Charlie yelled in my face, holding up the thumb on his right hand as if it were a gun. His left arm was missing, and, at that point, so was my sphincter control. In the commotion, he managed to fall off his barstool, and though helping him up would've been the proper thing to do, after noticing his wet shorts, I just left him there like a turned-over roach.

“He loses balance 'cause of the arm,” bartender Rosy explained as she served up some pretzels from a jar labeled “pork rinds,” which I immediately stress-ate.

An outdoor sign dubbed the dive “The place to go,” but I guess I was there on an off night, as the aforementioned salty gimp and I were the only patrons there.

“Drink, drink, dance party,” a flashing LED scroll in the corner instructed. Next to it, several likenesses of the Santo Niño de Cebú, a Filipino representation of the Child Jesus, kept watch.

“He for good luck,” Rosy affirmed. One of the few porn claw-machines to exist outside of East County also calls this place home.

“Guys always get the dildo,” the barmaid said in her thick Pinay accent. “They go crazy with that.”

By then, Charlie was contemplating eating a banana he'd acquired from God-knows-where, but opted to point and laugh hysterically at it instead. He then bumrushed me, started screaming oddities, cracked himself up and began foaming at the mouth. Clearly, Santo Niño had taken the day off.

In an effort to create a diversion, Rosy nervously dashed to the juke and played Toby Keith and Willy Nelson's insta-classic, “Whiskey for My Men, Beer for My Horses,” along with a slew of boot-in-your-ass sort of jams.

“You know, this is the perfect place for parties,” the Thrilla from Manila boasted. Apparently, it's also the perfect place to be scared shitless. She then recounted her decade-long adventures working at the now-defunct Whirlybird down the street.

“I left my soul there,” she mused.

She then paused and, alarmed, noticed Charlie heading toward the back of the bar like a banshee.

“No!” Rosy yelped. “He gonna go pee-pee in stock room again.”

Calendar

  • Known as the ‘Official Scripps National Spelling Bee Watch Party for Adults,’ guests can cheer on kids in the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN before competing in a spelling bee themselves
  • The renowned Mexican black and white photographer presents an exhibition exploring the principal themes within three groups: "Bestiarium"," Fantastic Women" and "Silent Natures."
  • Debunk some of the stereotypes surrounding cannibalism at this new exhibition that takes a hands-on approach to the subject. Includes video games and interactive activities where patrons will have to decide...
  • A mass action against the closing of the UCSD University Art Gallery. Participants will meet at the Silent Tree (located near the Library Walk) and march together toward the Gallery
  • Local science illustrator Melissa Walter presents new abstract works that are literal interpretations of astronomical theories
  • So Say We All invites listeners to hear stories about real life, the internet, the ways those places intersect or the way they don't intersect at all, told by seven locals
  • The author, comic book writer, and son of Stephen King will sign his new apocalyptic thriller, The Fireman
See all events on Thursday, May 26