Weeks ago, when I told a friend I'd be writing about Tijuana nightlife, he looked at me with the eyes of a fat child at Hometown Buffet.

“We have to go to a tranny bar,” he said.

I looked at him with those same hungry eyes and said, “Hell yes,” and all the talk of taped-back penises and Selena with stubble came to a head on Friday night.

We stepped onto Avenida Revolucion and made our way to Mike's Disco, the least-tranny name for a tranny bar in tranny history. Not a single dick or Bette Midler reference. I mean, who is this Mike, anyway? Is he even wearing glitter?

We grabbed a seat with a full view of the long stage. The backdrop was two glittering Mexican flags draped down to the ground. El tri never looked so glorious.

A queen dressed as Mexican singer Juan Gabriel came out. He lip-synched to one of his classics while taking dollar bills in his crotch. With the lights, the fog machine, the terrible wig on Gloria Trevi -- who gave me the roughest lap dance of my life and then refused to take a dollar bill from my mouth -- my heart swelled with patriotic pride. A single tear fell from my eye.

As the cherry on top of a sweaty-testicle sundae, out came a male stripper in a silver space jumpsuit. Gay Buzz Aldrin struggled with his shoes and had to hop on one foot to get down to his tiny bottoms, but once he did, he grinded on anything within reach: a chair, a few girls, the stage and then himself with a moment of simulated masturbation. His extravaganza ended as all extravaganzas should -- he ignited sparklers and stood looking like an Adonis who still lives with his mom.

After all the hype, I was worried the TJ tranny experience wouldn't stack up. I should've known better than to doubt a man in fuchsia lipstick.

Calendar

  • Known as the ‘Official Scripps National Spelling Bee Watch Party for Adults,’ guests can cheer on kids in the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN before competing in a spelling bee themselves
  • The renowned Mexican black and white photographer presents an exhibition exploring the principal themes within three groups: "Bestiarium"," Fantastic Women" and "Silent Natures."
  • Debunk some of the stereotypes surrounding cannibalism at this new exhibition that takes a hands-on approach to the subject. Includes video games and interactive activities where patrons will have to decide...
  • A mass action against the closing of the UCSD University Art Gallery. Participants will meet at the Silent Tree (located near the Library Walk) and march together toward the Gallery
  • Local science illustrator Melissa Walter presents new abstract works that are literal interpretations of astronomical theories
  • So Say We All invites listeners to hear stories about real life, the internet, the ways those places intersect or the way they don't intersect at all, told by seven locals
  • The author, comic book writer, and son of Stephen King will sign his new apocalyptic thriller, The Fireman
See all events on Thursday, May 26