My editor asked me to come up with one of those people-and-events-that-pissed-me-off-in-2003-end-of-the-year-wrap-up pieces, and I was all excited to get started-because I really enjoy writing about stuff that pisses me off-until I remembered that my New Year's resolution for '04 is that I promise to not dwell on the negative so much because negative people get tiny little tears in their stomach lining and huge gobs of spittle in their dinner entrees, so instead of remembering '03 in a negative light, I choose to concentrate on the positive.
Ten memorable positive people or events of 2003
October: Thanks to the heroic efforts of John Ashcroft, the government has finally removed a dangerous felon from society. No more will Tommy Chong (Public Enemy No. 187,566,877) be free to unleash his tetrahydrocannabolistic evil glassware upon the children of America. Whew!
July: When some unknown source inside the Bush administration leaked the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame-(allegedly) because her ambassador husband publicly pooh-poohed the President's claim that Iraq tried to buy nuclear materials from Niger-to conservative asshole, er, journalist Robert Novak, he was happy to publish her name in his nationally syndicated column.
I guess, if I were was going to concentrate on the negative, I could say this action, both by Novak and his source, put Plame's life in grave danger. But why be such a negative Nelly all the time? The good news is they didn't expose some of the other agents who opposed the war, like Joe H. Camden, who is embedded inside the Taliban in Afghanistan (code name Puppet Master), and Allyn Wright working undercover in Syria (Code Name The Ornery Beagle).
November: Cindy Spengler, who was head of marketing at Rosie magazine, testified that Rosie O'Donnell told her that "people who lie get sick and get cancer." Then she added, "If they keep lying, they get it again."
Spengler is a cancer survivor.
A lot of people were mad at Rosie about this, but I think Rosie showed restraint. She could've threatened the woman with plague, or typhus, or bovine spongiform encephalopathy (mad cow) but she didn't cuz that would've been wrong.
February: The mother of a 12-year-old boy accuses Michael Jackson of giving the boy red wine and sleeping pills and taking advantage of him. At first it seems like a despicable act, but it turns out the wine was a 1989 Pinot Noir from Rex Hill vineyards-a wonderful, barrel-aged batch with a beetroot and vanilla nut flush and a floral finish to die for-perfect for small parties and intimate get-togethers.
June: The idea of Martha Stewart participating in lesbian jailhouse orgies has supplied me with enough masturbatory fodder to last well past '04.
N/A: Scott Stapp and Creed did not put out a new CD in '03.
October: An action/adventure star was elected to a governorship based on name recognition and brawny good looks rather than political experience, which is quite good news since he'll probably be too busy and maybe Terminator 4: Rise of the Toasters will never get made.
August: An asshole, er, voracious lawyer named Alfred Rava and three of his vor-asshole lawyer friends sued local bars for sexual discrimination when they were denied free drinks and/or cover charge discounts during a series of ladies' night promotions, thus ending centuries of oppressive gender discrimination against men.
August: Breaking news! America officially enters the modern era by recognizing homosexuals also as being human beings. This happened when the U.S. Supreme Court overturned Texas sodomy laws, saying in its official statement, "Um, yo, people, it's nobody else's business what a person chooses to insert into their butts."December: Cinematic history is made when the final installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy is released and doesn't suck at all-as didn't the first two episodes-thus marking the first time in Hollywood's history that it did not destroy a literary classic by converting it to film.