July 26 2013 12:00 AM

Nuke the cold from orbit. It's the only way to be sure

guinness_vs_germs
FIGHT!
Ian Cheesman

Last night I felt that raw, dry sensation in my throat that usually precedes a cold and immediately panicked. I'm not ordinarily a hypochondriac, but the timing of this impending illness was especially troubling since I'm just days away from my first trip to Ireland. The idea of being sick dampening my fun even in the slightest really freaked me out. Then, just moments later, another thought occurred to me that fully restored my calm and allowed me to settle back into blissful sleep. I'd like to share that thought with you as an open letter to the rhinoviruses that are vehemently insisting I have to honor their squatters' rights: ---

Dear germs of whatever varietal you might be, please listen carefully. Contrary to what your ancestors have probably experienced at the hands of mine, I happily welcome your visit. I honestly hope you enjoy your current homestead and encourage you to live it up for the remainder of the weekend at my expense. You won't find me raining on your parade with antihistamines or the like. However, after the weekend draws to a close I strongly suggest you mount an expeditious retreat. Should you opt not to, let me clue you in on what will be in store for you. 

Upon setting foot in Ireland I am going to flood my system with so much goddamn beer and whisky that your glycoprotein sheaths will melt right off your virus-face. No joke. Do you really think a man who has historically demonstrated so little regard for his own liver will even consider granting you disgusting interlopers a moment of quarter? My toxic (and increasingly flammable) blood will run as black as a Guinness as I maniacally laugh at our mutual demise. 

So, by all means, Germs, stick around. I fucking dare you.

Should Ian emerge victorious in his quest to napalm himself back to health, he'll return in a week with new tales of beer-related heroism.

Calendar

  • Visit one of the 70 participating restaurants, bars, coffeehouses and nightclubs in town on this night and 25 to 50 percent of sales will go to local HIV/AIDS services and prevention programs. 
  • Anthony Bernal and Chris Ward, who are vying to replace Todd Gloria on the San Diego City Council, will discuss urban issues, such as parking, homelessness and new developments
  • The new exhibition designed by Dave Ghilarducci is made from hundreds of rolls of packing tape and bound together by layers of plastic shrink-wrap. Visitors can navigate their way through cocoon-like passageways...
  • The renowned Mexican black and white photographer presents an exhibition exploring the principal themes within three groups: "Bestiarium"," Fantastic Women" and "Silent Natures."
  • Presented by Pacific Arts Movement, the sixth annual mini film fest features 14 film programs from 10 countries that includes everything from docs to romantic tearjerkers. See website for full lineup and...
  • The San Diego County Bike Coalition hosts this monthly bike-in happy hour event to get biking residents involved in their communities and discuss bike projects planned for that specific community
  • Debunk some of the stereotypes surrounding cannibalism at this new exhibition that takes a hands-on approach to the subject. Includes video games and interactive activities where patrons will have to decide...
  • So Say We All's monthly storytelling night features stories about those jobs we took because we had to take a job. Featured readers include Allison Gauss, Annmarie Houghtailing, Cecile Estelle, and more
  • Artists from the all-abstracts group show will talk about their work and techniques. Artists include Edwin Nutting, Danielle Nelisse, Leah Pantea, Lenore Simon, and more
See all events on Thursday, Apr 28