Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos
Aries (March 21 - April 19): No schemes this week. No schemes, no hoaxes, no deceptions, no pranks, no trickery or bon mots. And it goes without saying—but I’ll say it anyway—absolutely no flim-flams.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): If you’re reading this please come to the gas station and head to the freezer with all the little burritos. I have managed to lock myself inside again and require immediate assistance.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Wisdom grows in the fertile soil of all the mistakes you have made but please… you can’t just keep adding more and more soil. There is already so much.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): I am a bit concerned that when I started writing this I looked and right in front of me a fly fell dead out of the sky. Surely a bad omen!
Leo (July 23 - August 22): When everyone is making fun of you for putting your shoes on the opposite feet you are not proving anybody wrong by continuing to wear them that way in protest.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): You may find that you’re attracting the wrong kind of attention, like a wriggling worm on a hook, but like the worm, it’s hard to get good attention when you’re in that kind of predicament.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): This week a verbal altercation with a teenage employee at a fast-casual restaurant will have you rethinking everything you thought about whether your hairstyle looks good or not.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Let love light the way… Wow, how inspiring. I should write more of these down. If you let yourself be guided by, uh, your heart then everything will be… well, I don’t know. You get it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): When they say don’t go to sleep angry, they don’t mean stay up without sleeping for six days straight because you’re angry.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You are the center of attention this week. The oncoming train at the end of the tunnel. The really loud motorcycle driving down my street triggering the car alarms.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You will solve your issues with authority only through a long spiritual journey breaking a wild stallion at the rural farm you inherited from a distant relative.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): What can I say? It’s always a good idea to own your own bowling shoes.