horoscope
Aries (March 21 - April 19): This week, you will be capable of extraordinary feats for five minutes, but this will only happen after a bird flies too close to you and your body is surging with adrenaline.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): The reason you’re more likely to get in a minor car accident within 10 minutes of your home is because your neighbors are trying to send you a message.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Whoever had the idea of coming up with the number zero—the means to measure nothing, to see the absence of something and give it a name—had this week in mind.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The two irrefutable truths of the universe: hard work doesn’t always pay off but getting hit by a mail truck almost always pays out.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Self-discovery is a process. It begins when you first realize that the baby in the mirror is you and a half hour later you’re reading this horoscope. Time flies!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22):There is no amount of preparation that can prevent you from clicking on the wrong corner on your first move in Minesweeper and immediately dying.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Your social maneuvering is as successful (and saccharine) as Birthday Cake Flavor. Just like that flavor, we have all arrived to at the same pleasant conclusion about what you are, but it’s really unclear how.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): If you drive fast enough—I mean really fast—no one can stop you for speeding. But please do remember that it’s still getting into trouble even if you’re not getting in trouble.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Bad choices have consequences. I mean, who do you think you are? Bank of America? Wells Fargo? JPMorgan Chase? Citigroup? (List continues for several pages).
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Life, like clay, is malleable. It’s a mess. Dirt you’re supposed to do something with. The people who like it won’t stop saying how fun it is and then you’ll say, “Yeah, I’ll try it sometime.”
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): The difference between spelunking and being hopelessly lost in a cave oftentimes boils down to preparation. But really, it mostly depends on whether or not something is chasing you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): This week, it is important to practice patience. But not the kind of reverent and zealous patience that includes reading the preface to a book.