horoscope
Aries (March 21 - April 19): The path to self-actualization is not made out of yarn crafts. Then again, neither is the path to personal ruin so it can’t hurt to spend your afternoons that way.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): If you are referring to the alien parasite incubating in your brain as your “son” then people are going to assume you’re doing it for personal reasons that have nothing to do with extraterrestrial brain chemicals.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): You should know by now that there is no product you can purchase that will snap your life into perfect alignment. Actually… I suppose your hair could be 30 percent bouncier.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): I hate to ruin your plans this week, but I’ve just learned that due to avian malaria there is a shortage of penguins available for purchase. I am so sorry.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): You’re going to scream when you realize that while you’re sitting around wondering if other people are thinking about you, you’re actually the one thinking about other people!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Others regard the tragedies of your life with the same amount of seriousness they give to tabloid headlines. That is, unless you make it into a movie with a sad score. Then they’ll take it more seriously.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Always remember: Big people talk about ideas, medium people talk about things, and very small people talk about how they can get away from the mouse that is chasing them.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): I’m flattered but you people really have to stop bringing me all these little gray boys that appear in your room who ask you to take them to your leader.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Don’t worry, that sound you hear in the middle of the night is just your refrigerator making ice in the middle of the night, and he has very heavy footsteps.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Everything in this life is circular: like the ring of condensation that is forming under someone else’s glass and your thoughts constantly returning to that ring.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): There are no stupid questions, don’t listen to the way those poison control hotline people are laughing. Maybe they’re looking at a Family Circus comic strip.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): You can outrun a lot of things in this life, but no matter how fast you’re going the bank’s dye bomb pack is going faster and is about to explode in your duffel.