horoscope
Aries (March 21 - April 19): I have often heard people say “life is short,” and I have to say I agree, but it’s not so short that you can justify using combination shampoo and conditioner.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): So long as you are waiting for inspiration to strike, you will always be waiting. Then again, maybe there will be something that really speaks to you in the next episode.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): It’s time to follow your dreams and construct a crazy straw that is so long and crazy that by the time you finally get a sip of your ice-cold beverage, it’s room temperature.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): As a result of a non-disclosure agreement included in a civil settlement with the celestial bodies, I am barred from telling you what will happen to you this week.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): You are walking this week with the conviction and confidence of a person who truly believes they are about to win the lottery even though you never bought a ticket.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): To view everything in absolutes is to rob yourself of a nuanced understanding of the world and flatten the subtle but critically important difference between “edible” and “non-toxic.”
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Picture it: you, but as a cartoon mascot for a chicken restaurant. Pretty cute, I guess, but maybe wouldn’t hurt to think about what’s going on here.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Instead of giving unsolicited advice this week when someone vents to you, it is important to just listen quietly and hand over the money, as is bank policy.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Many other living things can find a way to survive in hostile environments. Take the resilient cactus, for example, which thrives by being shallow, greedy and extremely violent.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): There are a lot of reasons why I would like to dissuade you from your current course of action, but the top one is that hydraulic mining shovels are expensive to repair.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Change can be scary but is necessary for growth. It is time to be fearless. It is time to be bold. It is time to take the ringback tone off your phone.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): This week, the endless drone of a metal detector skimmed over sand is only broken up by the excitable chirping that tells you that you’ve found… oh, just more trash.