Aries (March 21 - April 19): It never seems like a bear would really rip the doors off your SUV to get the Doritos you left on the passenger seat. Until it does.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Like a professional Bigfoot hunter following up on the tell-tale rustling of a plant in the dense underbrush, this week you will be fooled, on camera, by an overactive raccoon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Never let your negative snap judgments of someone cloud your ability to make a more informed assessment of the ways in which they are truly terrible.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Don’t make any life-altering decisions this week. Then again, I suppose all decisions are life-altering in ways you could never truly anticipate.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): The rules of the great outdoors apply here as well: Pick up your trash, leave wild things alone and don’t just go around sticking your hands into holes.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): The reason you look better in the mirror than on camera is because the mirror is a portal to an alternate reality version of you who is drinking the daily recommended amount of water.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): This week will be like when your innertube angles up toward the edge of the waterslide and then you freak out and overcorrect only to cause yourself to spin and wipeout.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): The more you practice, the better you get. That is, unless you’ve been practicing with bad form, and then you have to unlearn your wrong methods and it takes three times as long.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): You have to give yourself permission to verbalize your grandest ambitions before you can hope to achieve them. You also have to make sure nobody nearby is wearing a wire.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You could teach an old dog new tricks if you wanted to, but why bother? Every dog has been pretty good with just their old tricks, all things considered.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): No one ultimately knows what is good for you besides you, and on rare occasions, the Surgeon General might have some idea, but still.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): I’m sorry to disappoint you by letting you know that there will be no high drama this week. Nor will there be any profound suffering or any anguish at all. It will just be a normal week—nice, even!