Women of the world, relinquish your panties! They're needed in the fight for freedom in Myanmar.
Turns out leaders of the military dictatorship in the Southeast Asian country formerly known as Burma are afraid of your unmentionables. Reportedly, leader Gen. Than Shwe and his cronies believe strongly in the Southeast Asian superstition that touching a female's undergarments will sap you of your strength.
Most of you know that just over a month ago, Myanmar's government opened fire on peaceful protestors, killing Buddhist monks and civilians. The killings were followed by brutal oppression of monks and activists consistent with the bloody and corrupt history of this repressive dictatorship, and the crackdown continues.
Lanna Action for Burma, an activist group based in Thailand, Myanmar's neighbor, has been countering the regime by flooding Myanmar's embassies worldwide with women's underthings and have called on women worldwide to join them by “[Using] your Panty Power to take away the power from the junta and support the people in Burma.” The Lanna (a term referring to Northern Thai, who live adjacent to the Burmese border) Action for Burma website encourages you to “post, deliver or fling your panties at the closest Burmese Embassy any day from today.”
If you're a woman who wants to support the effort, American panties should be sent to the Myanmar Embassy at 2300 S St. N.W., Washington, D.C., 20008. I recommend disguising your package as a letter of support for their government or perhaps something they don't think will sap their power, like a gift of a bird's nest made of vomit (an aphrodisiac over there—look it up). You've got to get those panties—literally—into their hands!
The Lanna Action website (lannactionforburma.blogspot.com) also has a convenient downloadable Photoshopped image of the heads of the Myanmar generals arranged in a flower pattern. You're invited to make a sticker out of the image and attach it to the front of the panties in an extra effort to stick it to the man.
I don't know if there's a scientifically verifiable correlation between belief in superstition and the effects of superstition on the believer, but I'm convinced that enough panties could bring down the regime. The only people I know who've seen ghosts are those predisposed to believe in them. They're the same people who tend to notice their bad fortune right after walking under a ladder. Self-fulfilling prophecy can easily become the undoing of theextremely superstitious.
Imagine millions of skivvies clogging every Myanmar embassy, every Myanmar regime mailbox. The government would be so freaked out and focused on fighting off the unlucky undies that they'd probably fall to a coup by rational opposition forces within a year.
That's why I am firmly aboard the so-called “Panties for Peace” bandwagon.
There's only one problem. As a man, I feel a little left out. Sure, I'm spreading the word. And I have pointed out to my girlfriend that there are probably several hundred hot little items in her top drawer that she hasn't worn since 1998. I even volunteered to do the stickering, packaging and mailing for her. Sounds fun.
But what power does my underwear have? My ancient boxers with pictures of dogs playing poker all over them aren't going to illicit anything more from Gen. Shwe than a knowing chuckle. I am sure my fellow man, aside from he who cross-dresses, can relate.
That's why, right here and now, I am starting a male support campaign of my own to help inflame this pantystorm of protest.Every year, men pilfer women's underwear. Men are fascinated by your g-strings, your garters, your bikini panties, your lacy thongs—all of it—and many of us (not me, of course; I am a professional writer) will take them from you and do God knows what with them. I don't want to psychoanalyze here; I'm just stating a fact. This obsession has long been glorified in the hallowed tradition of the panty raid. And there's also a virulent, criminal manifestation.For those of you who haven't been following the global panty-theft epidemic, here are a few examples:• In February, a 54-year-old man in Japan was arrested for stealing and hoarding more than 4,000 pairs of women's panties. • In March, a 24-year-old man in Washington state was found with more than 1,500 pieces of women's undergarments, including panties and bras.• In May, Colorado police invited women to identify, by viewing photos, 1,300 undergarments stolen from laundry rooms near Colorado State University by a 43-year-old man. The list is endless. Tens of thousands of women's panties stolen by men are recovered each year, while perhaps hundreds of thousands more remain at large. That means men are a goldmine of potential subversive action against the government of Myanmar.My plan is threefold. First, I urge men to do what I've done. Talk to your wives and girlfriends. Get hold of their panties. Then send them to the Myanmar Embassy.Second, I call on male underwear thieves to give up at least a portion of their collection and send them anonymously to the Myanmar Embassy. I doubt most women who have had their underwear stolen by one of these creeps would want them back from him and would probably support their tainted panties being enlisted in the service of spreading democracy. By participating, the thieves themselves can alleviate some of their guilt for being naughty boys.Third, I call on police departments worldwide to release undergarment evidence from already-solved crimes and send it to the Myanmar Embassy in their respective countries. Languishing in plastic bags inside police file cabinets all over the world are thousands of pairs of women's knickers that could be serving a noble purpose. Police ought to be proud to support freedom by donating pilfered panties to the effort to bring down a brutal regime.I am calling this campaign the Reverse Panty-raid for Peace (RPP). It might sound strange, but fighting tyranny sometimes requires creativity. Ladies, I know you're down with Lanna Action for Burma. Gents, are you down with RPP? Write to email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org.