Writers are sore losers. For every person celebrating the sight of seeing their stories published in this week's issue of CityBeat, we guarantee there are 10 other writers grumbling about how their story wasn't chosen, about how we wouldn't know good writing if it bit us on the ass and how we're contributing to the sorry state of literature. Etcetera, etcetera.
So, for all you poor, sad losers, here's a handy guide that will increase your chances of winning next year.
1. We publish stories, not writing: Oh, you're previously published in a slew of prestigious literary journals? Salman Rushdie retweeted you once? Your 101-word piece absolutely killed in workshop?
That's too bad, because no matter how flawless your sentence, how purple your prose, you're battling against a room of eight or so intoxicated alt-weekly writers. Imagine reading your story at a noisy bar: That story has to reach all the way to the back of the room and punch the drunkest guy in the face. As editor David Rolland states in the issue, we reward outrageousness, creativity and a sense of humor. Bringing a beautifully written story laced with ambiguity and subtlety to Fiction 101 is like bringing a bottle of Laphroig to a frat party. You're just wasting the good stuff.
2. Make us laugh: Just like in real life, the fastest way to become our friends is to make us laugh. Now, this can be interpreted in many ways. We don't mean the bawdy kind of stories told in the front of men's magazines. We want the absurd. The more insane, the better. Sassy animals, social commentary, maulings, evil children, gross sex, talking inanimate objects, exploding heads, stupid ghosts, horse masks-that kind of stuff.
3. No more twist endings: Remember that movie The Usual Suspects? Remember how when you first see it, you think, "Oh, that ending was kind of clever." But then the more you think about it, you realize that the ending totally negates the entire movie, and everything you've just seen may or not be a lie. It's not clever; it's lazy disguised as clever, and that's worse. Give us a real ending. Don't let us get to the 101st word and make us regret reading the previous 100.
4. Don't be racist, sexist, homophobic, etc: We want to believe that we have the most progressive readership in San Diego, but, every year, we get a couple stories that probably would've gone over well in the 1960 issue of Fiction 101. Same goes to all your provocateurs: We don't care if you're edgy or pushing boundaries. Save it for the internet-we hear it's really easy to get published in the YouTube comments.
5. Don't write about winning the CityBeat Fiction 101 contest: You'd think this would be pretty obvious. Sigh.
Write to ryanb@sdcitybeat.com or follow him on Twitter at @theryanbradford