The Handsome Boy Modeling School is more than a musical group. It's a philosophy on life, a song-by-song creed for impressing your most impossible-to-impress friends. And due to their selfless desire to re-eptitude our ineptitude, H.B.M.S. founders Prince Paul and Dan the Automator invite you-the unhandsome, the unboys and the unschooled.
With the help of a revolving staff of guest lecturers, the School is pure aural pedantry. The title of their current seminar, White People-like the term "proper penal hygiene"-can be misleading. Once you fully commit to the program, however, you will, as I have, become a much better liver of life. And your music taste just might discontinue sucking.
Confused? You need not be. Within the first 20 minutes of White People, you will have discovered these startling revelations:
De La Soul should never, ever get dressed-let alone record-without Prince Paul. "If It Wasn't For You" is their best oratory since Stakes Is High.
Mike Patton, whom fish-advocates may recall as the deranged-in-the-rain frontman for Faith No More, sounds exactly the same as he did in 1989. The father of nü-metal sounds nü even though he's öld.
Rap-seminarist Del tha Funky Homosapien is an advocate of recycling. If you've heard his guest lecture "Clint Eastwood," from the Gorrilaz' breakthrough seminar, you've heard it all. Yet, like Da Brat, he continues to take up valuable space.
Every time the good sir Jack Johnson opens his mouth, he should be accompanied by a phat beat. Otherwise, he would be well advised to shut up and surf.
Need more? The second half of the Handsonium Institute reveals additional truths:
In "I've Been Thinking," Chan Marshall (aka Cat Power) proves what we've always suspected (and dreamt of)-that she has the ability to lure the hungry, undersexed eyes of indie kids away from Polly Jean Harvey. When she lulls "I'll never be on my knees," you may not be ready for what she's talking about.
It is possible to like a Linkin Park song. Take deep breaths. Life will go on, as long as you don't tell anyone.
Everything Tim Meadows touches turns into Ladies Man outtakes. It's not such a bad thing, you sexy mamacita.
Not everything Pharrell from the Neptunes touches turns into gold. On the bright side, producers plotting to overtake him can now stop scouring Compton for kryptonite.
Finally-glorious day! John Oates is cool again!
These discoveries and more await you at the Handsome Boy Modeling School. Hurry! Seminars are filling up quickly, so reserve your spot today.