Lesbians, the only reason you just got a capital “L” is because you started the sentence, but henceforth you are lesbians with a lower case “l.” When I write Lesbians with a capital “L,” I am referring to the good citizens of the Aegean island of Lesbos, a few of whom, as you well know by now, are suing your asses for stealing their name. Everybody in the world knows about it. Did someone get their face burned off in Iraq yesterday? Anyone starving to death in Darfur? Is the world spinning a little closer to spinning all of us right off? Who cares? Let's talk about the battle of the century over the “L” word; let's scrape up and examine a dust ball from under the proverbial Titanic deck chair!
I'm sorry, lesbians, but the only way I can manage to write about this meaningfully is to side with the Lesbians. No disrespect, but when you finish reading this column, you're going to have to come up with a new identity. So, please, relish the many opportunities you'll have herein to read the word “lesbian” aloud, because after this, it's gonna be something else you're always calling yourself.
OK, I'll bite that at least one of you hasn't heard about it yet. What happened was this Lesbian guy, Dimitris Lambrou, publisher of Davlos (Torch) magazine, along with two other Lesbians, Maria Rodou and Kokkoni Kouvalaki, are suing the Homosexual and Lesbian (their capital “L,” not mine!) Community of Greece, to stop using the “L” word in their name and, in effect, to pressure Greek lesbians to call themselves a less confusing name, like “Turks” or something. The case is being heard June 10 in an Athens court.
In an Associated Press story, Lambrou says the name of the association “insults the identity” of Lesbians: “My sister can't say she is a Lesbian. Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos.” He's even threatening to take on lesbians worldwide.
Hear that, world's lesbians? What is Lambrou's sister supposed to call herself? Huh? “A person from Lesbos Island?” In the time it took to say that mouthful, her brother could have filed six more frivolous lawsuits! Why not just follow Lambrou's suggestion and call yourselves “Certain Ladies” and give 90,000 poor olive farmers a break?
Try to see it from their side. Let me talk to just the local certain ladies for a minute: What if “San Diegan” became the universal word for redhead? What an insult to all the non-carrot tops of San Diego! People would be like, “Oh, you're a San Diegan, are you? Well, the drapes apparently don't match the carpet!”
OK, maybe Lambrou is a little overboard in arguing that you certain ladies have “no connection whatsoever with Lesbos.” After all, the reason lesbians call themselves lesbians is because the ancient Greek lyric poet Sappho lived on Lesbos when she was cranking out those classic lesbian jams like “To a handsome man” and “Some an army of horsemen, some an army on foot.”
Granted, Sappho's sexuality isn't crystal clear from her songs, but her lyrical expression of love for females has been an inspiration to women the world over and has ironically made Lesbos a magnet for you penis-rejecters. Lambrou's got some major huevos to piss off the very tourists on which the Lesbian economy partially depends.
But Lambrou claims he's no homophobe: “This is not an aggressive act against gay women…. Let them visit Lesbos and get married and whatever they like. We just want [the group] to remove the word lesbian from their title.” See, lesbians, it's not that there's anything wrong with your behavior—the problem is the potential that someone might mistake a heterosexual woman delivering olives to one of your Sapphic beach resorts for one of you.
The problem is that you millions of lesbians—with your lesbian this and lesbian that, your “lesbian” dictionary entries and such—you just don't understand how much this might mean to the 90,000 Lesbians, or at least the three who filed the lawsuit, or at least this one guy who speaks for the three of them.
To really understand that point of view, you have to consult Lambrou's online magazine, which may be all Greek to you and me, but with a little help from Google translation, reveals that:
“Maybe, if it is not one Lesvios, it may not realize the mental and moral rape in existential depth feel the residents and originating from this historic island in depth the existential feel a lesbian or a Lesvios in-depth existential involved in the brutal language interception and removal of geografikistaftotitas of Lesvion. It is this mental rape, this moral failure, which affects the right to humane identity of every human being, the synaitouses wanted me to express myself through our lawyer.”
I don't know who the synaitouses are, but if they've been mentally raped by lesbians, I say we listen to them. I myself have been mentally raped by lesbians on countless occasions, and let me tell you, it would make anyone wish to express him-, her- or itself through a lawyer!
Of course, I know how stubborn you lesbians are with your likely insistence on not changing your identity for the sake of “geografikistaftotitas of Lesvion” and all, but it shouldn't be that difficult. Some womyn-loving womyn already don't present themselves as lesbian—preferring “queer,” “butch,” “femme,” “dyke,” “gay” or whatnot—so how hard would it be for the rest of you to all get together and come up with something new? Or do you think this is all just some kind of stupid joke, some kind of colossal publicity stunt by one guy to increase interest in his magazine?And don't even start mentally raping me!