Super Bowl Sunday is the one time during the year the average woman can stand to be a football fan.
The average woman is defined as a chick who likes to play-not watch-sports, looks forward to grilled hot dogs and spicy beans at half-time and knows how to sit quietly during the game so her husband is proud because she looks interested in football in front of his friends. Little does he know she's checking out the tight end's tight end.
But, not having followed football throughout the year, or really paid much attention to how the game is played since the year before, the average woman had several questions during the game. Thankfully there were plenty of men on hand to provide answers-and to listen to her opinions about those answers.
Question: Why is it that sometimes the kicking team isn't tackling the guys receiving punts and kickoffs after they catch the ball?
Answer: It's the fair-catch rule. If they didn't do that, the guy catching the ball would get killed. The guy's looking up waiting to catch the ball and a 250-pound player's running at him from 50 yards away full force. Without the rule, it's lights out for receiver-guy.
Average Woman's Opinion: “That's a stupid-ass rule. No wonder the games take so f-ing long. They should sack up.”
Q: Why does that announcer keep pointing out the obvious? You'd think they'd get someone better for the biggest game of the year.
A: That's John Madden. We call him Captain Obvious.
Average Woman's Opinion: Yeah? Well, he's an ass. He should shut up.
Q: The players don't have panty lines. Are they wearing underwear?
A: They could be. Or they could just be wearing a jock.
Average Woman's Opinion: Yeah. Now that's what I call sacking up.
Q: That was a cool camera angle. Where did that come from? I've never seen that before.
A: It's a camera that's on a cable that runs the length of the field. They stole it from the XFL because they wouldn't let a blimp fly over the stadium.
Average Woman's Opinion: That's so cool. It's way better than a blimp.
Answer: No it's not.
Average Woman's Opinion: Screw you. Yes it is.
Note: Some of the Average Woman's remarks were so profound no response was necessary, including “Oh my God, what in God's name is Shania Twain wearing? She looks like a hooker from The Jetsons,” which was followed by “Why are twins such a big deal?” and “Doesn't Jimmy Fallon give everyone the creeps?”
And the grand finale: “Sting is a beautiful man. You know he's into Tantric.”
-Amy Johnson Conner