But McConnell's casting of the president's faith as a claim, rather than a fact, has raised eyebrows. Huffington Post blogger Sam Stein argued that “by constructing his response in such a peculiar way—suggesting that the debate over Obama's religion was legitimate and that the president was arguing one side of it—[McConnell] not only invited… skeptical coverage… but will further spur claims that the GOP doesn't mind having this image of Obama spread.”
Yet whether or not McConnell's dismissal of the myth that Obama is a Muslim has the effect of perpetuating it, he has yet to deny the rumor that he himself is a woman pretending to be a man.
For decades, McConnell has claimed that he is a man, checking the box or filling in the bubble next to the word “male” on form after form, implying that he is not a female each time he renews his driver's license, secures a credit card or takes an Oprah quiz, leading an unnamed official to comment: “The lady doth protest too much.”
Rumors about the Republican leader's gender first surfaced when it was discovered that his first name isn't really Mitch: he was born Addison Mitchell McConnell.
“Addison? Isn't that a girl's name?” asked one skeptic.
These skeptics, or “genderers,” point to McConnell's lifetime of “butching up” by doing “overtly macho stuff” like joining a fraternity in college, serving as an Army reservist and marrying a Chinese woman. “It's like one of those movies where a chick pretends to be a dude and ends up in all these zany predicaments, like Yentl,” said one genderer, adding, “It's just too much.”
Despite McConnell's overt efforts to appear manly, genderers argue that he has nonetheless repeatedly “acted like a girl,” suggesting that he “has a vagina.” Case in point, say the genderers: McConnell's military service. Although he signed up as an Army reservist in 1967, McConnell has been accused of “dodging” the Vietnam War.
According to The Lexington Herald-Leader, McConnell got a medical discharge from the Army after less than six months for an eye condition. Further, a U.S. senator from Kentucky for whom McConnell had interned wrote a letter to the commanding general at Fort Knox, pushing for McConnell's release from active duty to attend New York University.
“What kind of Republican supports gun control? Oh, wait, I know—one who's secretly a woman!”
In 2008, Democratic state Rep. Greg Stumbo called on McConnell to release his military discharge records. Stumbo told the Herald-Leader that McConnell's discharge for medical reasons did not ring true: “I think he either had a personal issue that they threw him out of the armed services and military or he had a powerful member of his party or somebody get him out…. I don't know why you get released from the Army at the height of a war unless you know somebody or unless you did something real bad.”
Genderers believe he was kicked out for pretending to be a man or that he quit to avoid having to shower with men and risk exposing his lady parts.
Further evidence suggesting McConnell isn't a man, genderers say, is his “girlish” position on gun control. McConnell has supported Democratic-sponsored gun-control legislation that instituted a national waiting period for handgun purchases, a federal ban on semiautomatic firearms and the required purchase of a trigger lock with the sale of a handgun.
Remarked one gender skeptic: “What kind of Republican supports gun control? Oh, wait, I know—one who's secretly a woman!” Even McConnell's support of seemingly macho, tough-on-terror legislation has led some to suspect him of being female. He introduced the Protect America Act of 2007, which allowed the National Security Agency to monitor communications of suspected terrorists without a warrant. Genderers immediately labeled the legislation the “Nosy-Pants Gossip on America and McConnell is a Girl Act of 2007.”
One genderer, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, says evidence of McConnell's true identity is so overwhelming that it cannot remain a secret forever. “Just look at him,” the anonymous skeptic said. “He shows up in public wearing a pink shirt that matches his wife's pink suit. Pink? Really? It's like he's not even trying anymore! And what kind of man would stand for his so-called wife getting $450 French manicures? I'm proud to not even know what a French manicure is. Does that mean they scrape the quiche out from under your fingernails? I don't know, because I am a man. Mitch McConnell is a woman, and he might be French, too.”
But perhaps more than any other piece of evidence, it's McConnell's alleged lack of a penis that genderers have repeatedly referred to as the smoking gun. “Has anyone actually seen the penis? I haven't seen the penis,” contends another anonymous skeptic. “If he's not a lady, why can't he show us his penis?” We at Presently Tense don't believe there's any substance to the rumor that Mitch McConnell is hiding the fact that he is a woman. He would deny that he's a woman, and we would take him at his word.
But in the interest of moving forward and focusing on the issues that truly matter to Americans, McConnell should immediately appear on Fox News' Glenn Beck Program and remove his pants and his underpants, too.
Otherwise, the rumor that he is hiding a vagina is likely to persist. CB
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