Thanks to the Pentagon's Information Exploitation Office (really, there is one), Spin Cycle once again has acquired super-secret e-mail wish lists to Santa Claus from some of San Diego's best and not-so brightest, who really seem to let it all hang out for the guy in the XL red suit. Unlike last year, however, there is one real letter in the mix. If you have brain waves, you should be able to pick it out. Sorry, no prizes involved. Merry holidays-and don't be greedy!
To: SANTA@NORTHPOLE.COMFrom: Mayor Dick Murphy
Geepers, St. Nick, I don't think you could possibly have anything in that big red bag of yours for me. I mean, how could you? You got an extra $50 million sitting around the North Pole that you don't need? I know you don't have any spare helicopters lying around, seeing that you're still into reindeer. (Very prudent idea, by the way-probably saves oodles on fuel costs and maintenance.)
Some people say I could use a bit more courage. But I know this isn't The Wizard of Oz, and I'm pretty certain pinning a medal on me won't make a heap of difference. They'll just say it looks like I'm doing things to look mayoral, which is kinda my goal (yeah, just one) for the New Year.
Between you and me, I could use a city attorney. I know, I already have one, but I think his batteries are running out-if he came equipped with them in the first place. How about one that works efficiently when those big legal issues bite us in the backside? Sorry about the language, Santa, but I'm sick of being called rudderless! Blast it! (Again, my apologies.)
Maybe my problem's been bad advice. You're probably saying, "Oh, but you're a former judge and an attorney who should know bad legal strategy when you see it."
Now I know what I want-a black robe! I like how I look in one-much more flattering than a yellow jacket.
To: ST_NICK@CLAUS4THECAUSE.ORGFrom: County Supervisor and third-time mayor candidate Ron Roberts
Please, please bring Big Business back to my corner for the 2004 mayor's race. Remember, they came running in droves during the 2000 mayoral campaign, thanks to you. I know I lost-again!-but it's different this time, really.
I'm being good by giving the thumbs up to the Big Biz Kahunas, pandering in debates to their interests and signaling that I'm aware they're playing footsie with the Chargers on this stadium deal.
Check my last debate. I told those radio-robotron Rick Roberts listeners (I know, I wish we were related, too) something like, "The Chargers have put something on the table, but Murphy put a whole lot of restrictions in the mix." See? Chargers = kiss, kiss. Murphy = pffffffffft.
Look at it this way, Santa. This'll be a lot easier to make happen than all those trips on corporate jets you got me the last time we were in stadium-building mode.
Counting on you,Ron Roberts
To: SANTA@HOHOHO.ORGFrom: San Diego Councilmember Donna Frye
I debated about writing a letter to you this year, knowing how busy you must be dealing with all the naughty people from ENRON, the Chargers, SBC and the like. But I've pretty much exhausted all the normal routes for assistance. I'm not asking for something expensive or fancy or covered in shiny bows. No bells and whistles nor smoke and mirrors. All I want this year, Santa, is an honest answer when I ask a simple question.
For the past year, when I ask how it is that more and more development is being approved without first providing the required critical public services, such as police and fire, nobody says a word.
Or when I ask how an additional 37,000 housing units could be built without causing some negative impact on basic city services, the room goes silent. Worse, when I ask why the mitigation money that was supposed to be used to pay for all those services was used instead to pay for a new ballpark, nothing happens. All I get is blank stares.
Please, Santa, will you help me get an honest answer for the public?
P.S. If you have some room in your sleigh, would you please take the giant structure located near the lighted tower at SeaWorld to the North Pole with you?
To: STNICK@KRISKRINGLE.NETFrom: Bob Kittle, Union-Tribune editorial page editor and right-wing commentator
I believe I was 13 whence we last communicated. Thanks for the subscription to National Review, by the way (it came in handy when all my friends were busy going out on dates with girls). As my yachting friends would say, I've tacked hard to the right since then-I've found it fills a niche nicely here in staid, old San Diego. At least Mrs. Copley tells me so.
Anyway, I need a favor, and I don't really want to ask my wife. I'm wondering how to get in touch with Gen X. For some reason, most of my fan mail comes from musty shut-ins and grizzled ex-military. Weird, huh?
Now the favor. I'm not tracking well, demographically, with the youth market, and I need a hook. I'm spiking the hair now, doing the manicured "metrosexual" thing, but still it's mostly, "You're the elbow-patched grandson I never had!" Any ideas?
One other thing. See what you can do to keep that Dave Rolland guy from that filthy leftist CityBeat off my radio show on KPBS. Craaaazy talk, that's what Mr. Rolland is all about.
Ciao, LL Cool Bobby K.
To: KINGCLAUS@NFLHOLIDAYS.COM From: Alex Spanos, San Diego Chargers majority owner
Hey, Kris. Long time no speak. Appreciate the lumps of coal over the years-nice resale value. Anyway, hey! I'm contacting you for my kid, Dean. You know, the one who's run the team into the ground? We're trying to get Qualcomm deemed "blighted" by stinking up the beat-up turf there. Pretty savvy, eh? Meanwhile, we get nowhere with the city. You into hexes, Santa? I could make it worth your while. Hey! I'm only asking....
No? Well, then, screw you, too!Al