Have you heard about the proposed bill by the Alabama lawmaker to ban gay-oriented books from schools and libraries and state-funded universities? "Homosexuality is not healthy for America," said Rep. Gerald Allen in a recent press conference. "It doesn't fit what we stand for."
If passed, the bill would not just ban books about homosexuality but would also ban books written by gay authors, which would mean no more William Burroughs, Oscar Wilde, Tennessee Williams or that raging queen, G. Gordon Liddy.
At the press conference, Allen said the purpose of the bill was to thwart an illegal underground movement called "the Homosexual Agenda."
"Our culture, how we know it today, is under attack from every angle," he said. "They will do whatever it takes to reach their goal"-and the unbelievable part of the whole thing is that a shitload of Alabamans are actually supporting all this noise. Fuken Alabamans.
Isn't it they who supported Chief Justice Roy Moore and his bullshit Ten Commandments statue in the Alabama courthouse. Isn't it they who twice elected Gov. George Wallace by a landslide, thanks to his infamous gubernatorial campaign slogan, "Segregation now! Segregation tomorrow! Segregation forever!"? Isn't it they who overwhelmingly voted to prohibit gay marriage? Isn't it glaringly obvious that there is something wrong with Alabamans? Whether there are Insanity Mites in the water supply or they are just plain evil, one thing is clear: Alabama is just not healthy for America. It doesn't fit what we stand for.
Because what we stand for, and it's right there in the User's Manual, in the section called "How to Clean and Care for Your America" where it says that in order for Your America to function properly, it must allow for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for everyone, and as long as Alabama is going to ignore the Bill of Rights then they don't deserve its protection either. Rather, Alabama should be excommunicated from the U.S.A. It should be marginalized. It should be physically tormented and socially stonewalled and beaten into submission. And I'm not talking about some lame-duck repression shit. Repression is for pussies. I'm talking about o-ppression. The real deal. We as a country should oppress the crap out of Alabamans, and it's my opinion that we should start where they left off-with a good old fashioned Alabama book burning. Oh, man, don't you just love those? You know, goose-stepping around a bonfire with death-metal pounding out of a boom box, the stench of burning ink seeping into your nose, and the cinders that once were words and pages all flapping away like dying fireflies. Fuken-A.
After the book burning, we'll need to come up with an epithet of some kind. Something offensive and harsh-sounding. Something with one or two syllables and a hard thuddish middle consonant for effect. Also, the epithet must make etymological sense. For instance, the name Alabama comes from a tribe of Indians called Alabamu, which is a subdivision of the Chickasaw tribe and-I don't know, I'm just thinking aloud here-but how about something like chickers? Better yet, how about chuckers for an offensive term to define Alabamans?
Hey, Joey, let's go out and kick us some chucker ass tonight!
Yeah, I like that. I like it because it's a play off the Chickasaw tribal name, and also slang for vomiting (which means you can call anyone who lives in Northern Alabama an upchucker), but mostly because it's a reference to spear chucking-which brings us back to the whole tribal thing.
After a good epithet has been identified, I'm thinking an entertainment industry blacklist is in order: One of those, "Are-you-now-or-have-you-ever-been" hearings where we block Alabamans from finding work and get them to rat each other out.
After the hearings, we're probably going to need kangaroo courts and/or monkey trials. You know, bigot district attorneys bringing bigot cases before bigot judges to be decided by bigot juries in the big old bigot court houses of Bigotland. Ah yes, a monkey trial-gotta love it! Just charge some teenage Alabama boy with a felony because he dared fraternize with a Jersey girl (which really should only be a misdemeanor) and bring the full weight of the court down on his state-mixing ass.
Next we should convince the church to join in our little tyranny plot. That'll be easy. All we need to do is locate or invent a couple of Bible passages to support the theory that Alabamans are heretics, like this obscure passage in Leviticus: Lo and Jesus did make to say, "He who drink the blood of swine and lay with leprous whores are cleaner unto me than thy noblest Alabaman."
Also, a series of insulting jokes will need to be composed (A spick, a Jew and an Alabaman walk into this bar. . .) and boycotts need to be organized, and propaganda needs to be spread and, oh yes, there is much work to do, my friends, what with the Constitution to amend, the late-night lynchings to organize, the anti-Alabama meth-metal benefit concerts to promote and-wheee!-I never realized how much fun it could be conducting an organized system of oppression.
And quite necessary, too.
Gerald Allen may be one foul-smelling, impure, state-mixing chucker-lover. But he's right about one thing. Our culture is under attack-from fucking Alabamans! And they will do whatever it takes to reach their goal.
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