“When battling foreign enemies, Caesar was ruthless. Besieging rebels in what is now the Dordogne part of France, he waited until their water supply ran out and then cut off the hands of all the survivors.”
—PBS, The Roman Empire In the First Century
Lo, the Ides of March. On this day in 44 BC, Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by a group of 60 of his friends and colleagues during a senate meeting. Sounds like one hell of a cloture vote if you ask me. You can’t say the guy wasn’t warned.
Caesar had only been named dictator perpetuo or “dictator in perpetuity” in late January of the same year when Brutus led the attack against his former friend two months later (ahem). He and other attackers were supposedly wounded in the melee, as is not uncommon in a melee. But they survived, high-fived each other on having granted themselves amnesty as politicians so frequently do, and Rome got a chance at reinvention.
Wouldn’t it be healing if we had our own lurking Brutus and two-thirds of the senate finally admitted, Yo, this kid is insane, man! and took his ass out of the game? (Along with all the other monsters he dragged in; unlike Rome, 45’s fam and associates have to go as well.)
Now, before everyone freaks out thinking I’m advocating assassination and I am subsequently disappeared into a detention center where who-knows-what-the-fuck is going on, please know this: I am not suggesting any kind of violence against the Texter-in-Chief because a) I’m not violent; b) that would be illegal, and; c) that’s letting the little peen off too easy. Even as I’m connecting some historical dots and wouldn’t at all mind a coup in response to the coup, I am looking for a political—rather than literal—nerve agent.
Like, oh, I don’t know—how about impeachment?
It seems all the teeth gnashing from even the most outraged Dems has somehow prevented most of them from enunciating the syllables of the I-word, so it doesn’t appear that this is the pathway forward. Political writer Bob Cesca explained that there are no knives beneath the togas in our congressional houses.
“The Democrats need a majority in the House to impeach someone,” wrote Cesca last January for Salon. “They also need votes of 67 senators to convict a person. (For that matter, they also need provable high crimes or misdemeanors before anything else happens.) Without a multitude of Republican votes, the entire scenario is a non-starter—even after a possible Democratic sweep of the House in 2018.”
Every damn time Charlie runs to kick that football, Lucy just yanks it away.
And while I’ve been of the mindset that we will never have another fair election, after watching the new health care rollout last week, I’m sorta thinking that the Republicans are gonna get their asses kicked in November 2018. Even the weasel-turd Tom Cotton is running around the House these days urging his fellow right-wingers to maybe think about not voting a unified “yea” vote on the American Health Care Act. Not, mind you, because it’s bad for American people, since our elected leaders are supposed to be looking out for the American people, but rather because doing so might put them at risk of losing power next year.
I’m sorry, dear reader. I took the liberty of paraphrasing Cotton. Here is what he actually said: “I’m afraid that if they vote for this bill, they’re going to put the House majority at risk next year.”
Party over country, Huzzah!
Americans, I hope, are not waiting for the overthrow of our own Babyhands Ceasar to come from our elected leaders, because they, like 45, are really looking to chop off our hands. Absolutely don’t count on any Republican to swing away without a lot of pressure on our part. Sure, if you look at just the headlines, Cotton may seem like a Brutus. But he’s just a momentary one. In this story, we are Brutus and his gang of warriors. Our voices (and our wallets) are our daggers and we must use them by making calls every day. And by that I mean every. Single. Day. All the days. This sucks for those who prefer to text rather than talk, but it’s time to get up and over your introversion.
The easiest, least-disruptive-to-your-life, most minimal thing to do is to take that health care bank account you have, also known as your smart phone according to Utah Rep. Jason Chaffetz, and download the 5 Calls app today. Then set the alarm on that health care bank account and wake up 15 minutes early tomorrow and the next day and the next day and so on and make the calls. The app provides you not only with the digits of your elected officials, but also scripts for every single issue you can possibly care about. It may seem daunting, but it won’t land you in prison and is much more effective and far easier, as it happens, than stabbing someone. I know this for a fact from my Target Focus Training. Truly. Stabbing someone to death, like impeachment, is not easy work. Julius was stabbed 23 times but only one blow was fatal.
We need to strike at the proverbial aorta of this hideous monster. Eventually, we’ll be rid of 45 and his zombie ilk. The sooner, the better. Rome is burning. Let’s get rid of our own dictator perpetuo and take our chance at reinvention.