It's possible that we're conflating our philosophers with this reference, and possibly butchering the meaning, but wasn't it Søren Kierkegaard who talked of reaching a gaping existential abyss and having no choice but to get a good running start and take a leap to faith in God?
Well, we believe Americans have finally reached a gaping capitalist-imperialist abyss and have no choice but to get a good running start and take a leap to communism.
Yes, that's right, communism—pure communism. We at CityBeat have been tiptoeing around for nearly seven years, championing a government-run healthcare system and railing against the increasing chasm in earnings between the tiny class of vulgar rich and an ever-expanding class of low-income working people. Now it's time to pin our bright-red hammer-and-sickle banners to our office walls and pull those books about Marx, Lenin and Trotsky out of our closets. We aren't ashamed anymore.
Don't seek hope in the recent slight upturn in the markets; they're but a last gasp of oxygen before the end.
Capitalism and the greed that fuels its blood-sucking ways have failed, and it's time to come to terms. Our only hope is for the United States of America to move to communism for salvation. We must toss private ownership and class distinctions on the mulch pile of history and succumb to the reality that absolute equality is the way to societal nirvana. We can rid ourselves of several deadly sins in one crushing blow: No greed. No envy. No pride. No gluttony. (Lust can stay; we have no problem with lust.)
Our political leaders must understand that this change is coming. They can resist, but resistance is indeed futile. The working people of this country and beyond are nearing their breaking point, and they will soon bust loose from their shackles and take what is rightfully theirs. It is upon their sturdy yet aching backs that so much wealth has been created, and for their troubles, these are their rewards: personal credit debt, foreclosure, dwindling educational opportunities, poorer-quality yet more expensive healthcare, wages that can't keep up with costs, little hope for advancement and crumbling dreams of a comfortable retirement. The ruling class would do well to get out of the way of the rebellious masses; if not, a violent uprising is certain, and it will surely be successful.
Once it is done, other countries of the world will see the light emanating from our shores. They will see a genuinely free, classless society in which every member shares equally the benefits of labor. No more stress in trying to get ahead of the next guy. No more fear of failure or falling through the cracks.
No, the transition won't be easy. The road to converting the private sector to public ownership will be rocky. There will be much reluctance to forfeiting homes and redistribution of property. But we believe that with skilled orators such as
Barack Obama, skeptics can be persuaded. Oh yes, be assured that Obama is one of us. He nearly cracked under the intense interrogation of Joe the Plumber. Of course Obama wants to redistribute wealth. And, no, he's not lying when he says he's not a socialist; socialism is for pansies. Socialism is a wishy-washy, milquetoast half-measure—like agnosticism.
Those diehard capitalists who don't voluntarily get with the program after a reasonable period of time must be sent to camps for reeducation. But before you get scary images of Joseph Stalin in your head, know that these camps will be quite pleasant. We modern communists are kind and civilized. Campers will be treated well; most will live better than they ever did before. They simply will have to forfeit the right to travel and bear arms. While they also won't be allowed to communicate with the outside world, they will see, through free access to television and the Internet, the utopia that has emerged outside their walls, and they will abandon their foolish faith in privatization.
It feels so good to get this off our chest. An enormous burden has been lifted; we are weightless and buoyant, almost euphoric. And we look forward to seeing you on the other side, out of the darkness of predatory capitalism and into the light of absolute freedom and true equality. Join us. This story was part of our April Fool's Day issue of 2009.