Mentally challenged president of the United States George W. Bush recently appointed Eric Keroack as the new deputy assistant secretary for population affairs at the Department of Health and Human Services. The agency's $283 million budget funds 4,600 family-planning clinics whose mission, according to HHS, is to "provide access to contraceptive supplies and information to all who want and need them with priority given to low-income persons."
The problem? Keroack is a far-right anti-abortion activist who says contraception is "demeaning to women."
Before assuming his new position in November, Keroack was the medical director of A Woman's Concern, an East Coast "family planning" organization that works to "help women escape the temptation and violence of abortion." Its crisis pregnancy centers oppose contraception and do not distribute information about birth control.
Since November, I've been talking with friends about Keroack, and, unfortunately, though predictably, only women I've talked to have been distressed enough by this outrageous decision to take action.
But after closely investigating A Woman's Concern's website, I've discovered a fact that Keroack's critics haven't mentioned: A Woman's Concern is opposed to masturbation. Since many more men masturbate than get pregnant, perhaps I can use this new knowledge to convince males to join women in the fight to put Keroack on the road (sorry) back to obscurity.
Proceeding from the logic that the concerns of A Woman's Concern are also the former director of A Woman's Concern's concerns, I decided to pose as a seeker of help, a representative everyman, who, in desperation, turned to A Woman's Concern for advice about his pope-punishing habit. Let the advice given to our made-up friend by a minion of Keroack serve as an awful warning of things to come if we don't send the quack packing. By the way, I had to go undercover rather than seek this advice myself since I have never dabbled in masturbation, preferring instead the pleasures of watching The 700 Club and flogging myself with a hickory branch until I bleed. The responses are real.
Meet John Waxman
John is a humble, homely, semi-literate 31-year-old virgin with healthy urges but no prospects. Due to his cultish fundamentalist upbringing, John is wracked with guilt every time he pumps the soap dispenser. John sent a letter, excerpted below, to A Woman's Concern hoping for some understanding or absolution:
Dear A Womans Concern Pregnancy Resourse Clinic, The problem for me is basically not having sex and dont think if I ever will. I am not an attractive guy and shy and have no luck with the Christian Dating Service I tried witch was very hard for me anyways. I know a guy who is a Christian who says masterbation is natural and just do it, so what is the diffrence of natural exploration of ones body and unhealthy masterbation? Thankyou. -John Waxman
Nathaniel, the "sexual integrity speaker" for A Woman's Concern, sent the following response to John's letter. (Nathaniel playfully mimics John's tortured English, following Jesus' admonition, "Yea, if thou art mocked, mocketh back."):
John, Masterbation is not mentioned speciffically in the bible. I remember reading james dobson's book as a teenager about puperty and reading his words that masterbation is not a big deal. There's no clear cut do or not do. However Jesus does say that we as men should not lust becuase its like commiting adultry with a woman in our hearts. Lust comes down to this-an overwhelming desire for something sinfull. I think the question would be is it possible to masterbait and not lust? ... I think Satan will do everything he can to get you to act out sexually before your married and then everything he can to get you not to have sex with your wife after Marriage.... I can't tell you where the line is between exploration and habit obsession. -Nathaniel
John finds promise in Nathaniel's response:
Nathaniel, so i can do it if i imagine a wife because making love to a wife isnt sinfull so it isnt lusting to want one? -John
Nathaniel changes his tune:
John, I disagree. i think if you read back over my last email the issue of lust hurts' our relationship with God and goes against his truth weather you would be imagining a future wife or random girl and acting out on that lust. How could you know the girl you are imagining will actually be your wife? -Nathanael
Now John is really perplexed:
Can it be that it hurts God only if I do it all the time but if i only do it once every couple of days its no big deal like James Dobson said? i dont get why it is lust if it is just a thing of only the body and not the mind. i know that i can have the sexual release and think only of Jesus and not of a future wife who might only be a future girlfriend who doesn't want to marry me because who would. -Confused, j.
John's last letter received no reply. Either Nathaniel got tired of communicating with a sinner, or he really didn't have a satisfactory answer. Or maybe he is a guilt-ridden secret onanist, unable to sustain the illusion of superhuman dullness for longer than two e-mails.
Whatever the reason for his decision to abandon John the lonely wanker, I think his letters are very instructive: He introduces himself as a reasonable guy who says there's no clear do or don't, but after minimal prodding, he pulls Satan out of his pocket to try to scare John into compliance, and informs John that his masturbation hurts God. That's what A Woman's Concern and Keroack are all about-they use the guise of reasonableness to assume a position of authority and then abuse that position by foisting their primitive, narrow-minded, fear-mongering superstitions on others. So whether you like to snap the carrot, like John, or don't, like Nathaniel and me, you need to fight for your right not to be bullied by the creepy lunatics who have taken over the government.
Furthermore, dudes, stand up for women's reproductive rights, for God's sake.
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