The city of San Diego this week again rejected demands for higher pay by the union representing police officers, but negotiators for the city countered with a proposal to attract dumber criminals to the region.
“The money the police are requesting simply isn't there,” said city spokesperson Travis Glaves, referring to the city's crushing budget deficit.” But our counter offer is something we can easily do to improve the workload for our valued men and women in uniform.
“I've been researching this thoroughly,” Glaves added. “I've been scouring the Darwin Awards and watching a lot of
America's Dumbest Criminals on TMZ. We're talking about bank robbers who write hold-up notes on their own statements, carjackers who can't drive stick, street muggers who can't make a getaway because their pants are hanging down around their knees. We think what we can't provide in financial concessions we can make up for in lightening officers' case work.”
The first step, Glaves said, would be to mine information from the state of California's database of outstanding warrants to select the best candidates. These candidates would be sent notices informing them they had won a free sailboat and to come to San Diego City Hall to collect it.
“Then we jail them for the outstanding warrants and see how long they stick around after release. Anyone dumb enough to fall for that should prove an absolute boon to our police force.”
Glaves said that he was already negotiating a prisoner exchange with the state of Florida, which could go into effect immediately, should the Police Officers Association (POA) agree to the deal.
POA representative Patrick Crowder sees the city's position as encouraging and said he was particularly excited about the prisoner exchange.
“Did you know that, in Florida, one out of three 911 calls are from McDonald's patrons complaining they're out of Chicken McNuggets?” said Crowder. “Getting that class of individual here in San Diego would really take the pressure off of emergency response. If the city can deliver enough of these buffoons, we might even give up our dental plan.”
This story was part of our April Fool's Day issue of 2009. Don't believe it.