A dramatic new study has determined that 10 out of 10 American children are suffering from autism. The study also proves that the subjects' parents also suffer from the disorder, as do their teachers, doctors and care-providers. In fact, the study reveals, everyone is autistic.
The study, co-produced by Janssen Pharmaceutical and Cardinal Health, has been described as a watershed in Autism awareness.
“This really proves what we've been saying all along,” said Mary Surrat of the Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego. “Autism is a devastating condition, but we are lucky to live in a time where its impact is recognized and treatment by such medications as Risperdal are so cheap and available.”
The study has profound implications for the child-care and education industries and has already been embraced by local schools.
“This really answers why Timmy can't sit still during Circle Time,” said Megan Ng of the Healing Light Montessori School. “It's because he's autistic, just like everyone else. It also answers why I, as a teacher, just don't want to deal with him. I'm autistic, too!”
The study also suggests that autism is not limited to humans. David Herrod, spokesman for Janssen, said the disorder is also found in house pets.
“Not only is it very probable that your dog has autism, but it's becoming clear that your deceased relatives are also affected,” Herrod said. “To help with this, we are partnering with Cardinal Health to provide a pet-friendly medication, as well as a combination of Risperdal and lawn-care products to best get the treatment to those needing it.”
This story was part of our April Fool's Day issue of 2009. Don't believe it.