Up until last week, I had no political philosophy, no grand theory, no explanation for why everything is screwed up and probably getting worse. Then, I talked with this pal of mine, a wise old shaman of a tenor-sax player, who convinced me that evil Reptilian space aliens with the power to adopt human form have taken over the Earth. It must be true because he read about it in a book.
One of the casualties of the Reptilian era is good journalism. The Reptilians have infiltrated the media and control most of the information you receive. Rupert Murdoch is Reptoid, and so is Roger Ailes. Everyone at Fox News is Reptoid-especially Alan Colmes. San Diego CityBeat editor Dave Rolland is not a Reptilian. You can trust CityBeat to fight the Reptilians. We are on your side.
The Reptilian conspiracy is a convenient explanation for everything, like Jesus or Marxism, and I strongly encourage you to adopt it as your own. You can learn more about the Reptilians by consulting one of the many authoritative sources on the World Wide Web, but they're mostly boring and the art is not very good. It may be better to just believe and be afraid-be very afraid.
I used to think problems didn't require reasons for existing. For example, I used to think that the Holocaust had no "meaning," but now I know that it happened because of the lizard people. When you have a grand theory, it can function as the conclusion to draw from every problem, and it makes you feel better. Or worse. At least it makes you feel something.
Let me offer a more extended example of how this can work for you: You have probably not considered the important parallel between Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face and the recent Alabama church fires, but that's only because the Reptilians don't want you to. The connection is that prior to burning the churches, the three young arsonists had been deer hunting; you already know that Cheney (yes, he is a well-known Reptoid) was quail hunting when he shot his friend in the face. A media not dominated by cold-blooded, Reptilian trivialization would remind you of this critical link and its subtext-that violent, anti-social behavior so correlates to animal abuse that it has become lore among the community of law-enforcement officials who profile serial killers. The Reptilians don't want you to think of hunting as legalized murder or non-human Earth creatures as deserving of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Why not? Because the Reptilians are space aliens who want to enslave all Earth creatures, so they need to keep us set against each other.
Mathew Cloyd, Russel DeBusk Jr. and Benjamin Mosely, the young college students who set fire to nine churches in rural Alabama last month, are clearly Reptilians. A Jan. 9 posting by Cloyd on Moseley's Facebook.com page reads, "The nights have grown long and the interstates of Alabama drunk driverless, the state troopers bored, the county sherriffs [sic] less weary, and the deer of Bibb county fearless. 2006 is here, it is time to reconvene the season of evil!" Notice the desire to avoid human contact, the preoccupation with law enforcement, the need to portray sweet, gentle Bambi as menacing and the plan to spread "evil": perhaps the classic modus operandi of the lizard people!
But lest you think the Reptilians are only burning churches, fellow traveler, you must dig deeper and seek patterns of lizardity: The Reptilians have infiltrated the churches, too. Need I remind you of the three American missionaries of the World Mission Gospel Aid group who were deported from the Tabora region of Central Tanzania for illegal hunting a few years ago? Or the three missionaries of Harvestfield Ministries arrested in Zimbabwe the following year for having a van for "hunting" that contained 24 rifles and shotguns, 20 hand guns, nine silencers, 70 knives and about 2,000 rounds of ammunition? Notice how these supposed Christians seem to have forgotten Jesus' endorsement of nonviolence? And notice that Reptilians often travel in threes?
Back to Cheney: As the Vice Reptoid of the Reptilian States of America, Cheney practices the vilest form of hunting. It's called "canned hunting," where animals are pen-reared and released to be shot in large numbers by paying patrons. To illustrate, the Humane Society reported a while back on a typical Cheney "hunt," where "500 farm-raised pheasants were released... at the Rolling Rock Club in Ligonier Township for the benefit of Cheney's 10-person hunting party. The group killed at least 417 of the birds, illustrating the unsporting nature of canned hunts. The party also shot an unknown number of captive mallards in the afternoon." I could make an easy Rolling Rock joke here, but I won't. The Reptilians would like us to make light of the seriousness of their pernicious agenda, but we must remain gravely vigilant.
As Wayne Pacelle, a senior vice president of the Humane Society, argues, "This wasn't a hunting ground. It was an open-air abattoir, and the vice president should be ashamed to have patronized this operation and then slaughtered so many animals. If the vice president and his friends wanted to sharpen their shooting skills, they could have shot skeet or clay, not resorted to the slaughter of more than 400 creatures planted right in front of them as animated targets."
Pacelle doesn't understand the Reptilians. They will not stop at skeet, birds or even deer. They will burn your churches, bomb your cities and shoot you in the face. They cause psoriasis and taxes, rain and Switchfoot CDs. The Reptilians are out to destroy you, my friend.
So there you go. Are you convinced that having a belief in the power of the Reptilian conspiracy to help you understand everything is in your interest? I thought so. It's definitely working for me. Why, just last week I was having trouble understanding why grownup human beings would kill non-human animals for sport. Now I know that hunters are not humans; they are lizard people from outer space. It just makes sense.