And now, a special presentation of CityBeat Theater. This week's thrilling episode: “Seal it with a Bark.” The setting is a nondescript City Hall conference room, where four unnamed city officials are huddled around the end of a long table. Thick tension fills the air.
City Official 4 [sweating visibly]: Why, oh why, couldn't this be a furlough day. I can't take the pressure!City Official 1: Relax. We'll never get through this if we crack under the strain. OK, as you know, a judge has ordered the city to get rid of the seals that are pooping in Children's Pool. We have a plan to dredge the beach and clean up the water, but that will take forever, and the seal haters are pushing us to do something now so their precious little children can frolic, disease-free, in the surf. Those thugs want us to broadcast the sound of barking dogs down there at the beach all the live-long day.City Official 2: Ha ha ha ha! City Official 3: What jackasses!City Official 1: I know, it's completely retarded, so let's see if we can't come up with something not quite so lame. But it can't be harmful to the seals, or else those smelly-hippie seal lovers will camp out in the Mayor's office with their guitars and their incense stinkin' up the joint. We need to think of something so annoying that the seals will take off on their own, but it can't be so bad that it freaks them out. City Official 4 [panicking]: Oh god, we'll never think of anything! Does anyone know if the city of Imperial Beach is hiring? Nothing ever happens there. I'd be left alone all the time.City Official 3: Dude. Chill. OK, what's annoying?City Official 2: How about a mime? We could hire a mime to do that stupid “Oh, I'm trapped in a box and I can't out” thing. I hate that.City Official 1: Jeez, why does everyone hate mimes so much? That won't work because the seals could just look the other way. And don't they just sleep all day? It has to be something noisy. City Official 3: I've got it! We hire Gilbert Gottfried and Bobcat Goldthwait to do a live, staged reading of My Dinner with Andre—over and over and over again until the seals can't take it anymore. It won't be too expensive because those two has-beens haven't worked since, what, 1985? They'll probably work just for the exposure. City Official 1: Hm, I think that would do the trick, but the businesses in the La Jolla Cove area would take up arms against City"Hall because those two guys would flush out all the tourists. It has to be something that annoys seals, but not people.City Official 4: This is too hard! Do those windows open? I think I'm gonna jump!City Official 2: You're not helping! How much coffee have you had? Let's see now. Hey, how 'bout if we show the seals how much we get paid. That'll piss 'em off!City Official 3: Ha ha ha ha! Nice.City Official 1: C'mon, be serious. We haven't got much time.City Official 4 [in a fetal position on the floor]: Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. City Official 3: What if we require everyone within a one-mile radius of Children's Pool to change their ringtones to Celine Dion?City Official 2: Wait! Could we change the Lindbergh Field flight path so that it crosses over La Jolla? That would have the added benefit of annoying La Jollans.City Official 3: Awesome. Hey, I know: We could park a car on the beach and make it so the alarm goes off every 20 minutes. Just as the seals forget about the last time it went off—blamo! Beee-oooop, beee-oooop, whir-whir-whir, eeaannhh-eeaannhh-eeaannhh, neee-ner, neee-ner, neee-ner—City Official 4: Stop it!City Official 1: These ideas are top-shelf. You guys are really earning your pay. But I just don't think we've nailed it yet.City Official 2: Open-mic poetry?City Official 3: Public art?City Official 2: Plump women in short shorts?City Official 3: Dudes with live birds on their shoulders?City Official 2: Thumping bass?City Official 3: Pedi-cabs?City Official 2: Nudists?City Official 3: River Dance?City Official 1: Crap. This is too hard. You know what? Screw it. Let's just go with the barking dogs. If that doesn't work, we can hit 'em with water cannons. Let's go get some lunch.City Official 3: Sweet. Mexican again?Exeunt.