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Walls in heaven?
Over recent months and years it has been suggested—by a fair amount of friends, readers and editors—that I should refrain from mocking religion so much in my writing. Admittedly, it is a pet subject which I tend to overdo, and I have relented lately. But every once in a while something comes down the God-pike that is so stupid, I don’t have the will to resist.
I am referring to one of the events at the 2017 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). Apparently it had a panel discussion called—wait for it—”If Heaven Has a Gate, A Wall and Extreme Vetting, Why Can’t America?”
Yes, that is the real title. And I would very much like to embark on this mock-fest by requesting that readers take another moment to appreciate—I mean, really truly marvel in all its hysterical glory—the name of that panel. It is, after all, such a pure and perfect example of absurdity, it must be displayed in a paragraph of its very own, like a culture within a sealed petri dish where less hilarious specimens can’t contaminate it.
If Heaven Has a Gate, A Wall and Extreme Vetting, Why Can’t America?
The panel was moderated by former Rep. Bob Beauprez (R-Colo.) and two current House Reps. Andy Biggs (R-Ariz.) and Ken Buck (R-Colo.), among others. For the purposes of their extreme mock-over, let’s not even bother with the obvious answer to the question posed which is, of course, that there’s no such thing as Heaven ya nitwits! Well, that and that the First Amendment prohibits using religion as a basis for public policy.
Still, in an effort to extend this mock opera so that we may extract as much hilarity from it as possible, we will concede that Heaven does exist. So the question becomes, if there really is an invisible city floating in the sky, would it have a wall? Doubtful. Because that would mean our all-knowing, all-powerful Overlord did not consider the manner in which people arrive at Heaven in the first place. That the souls of the dead emerge from their physical bodies and float up, and up, and all the way up to the gates of Heaven. The point being, the dead can fly! So what’s to stop them from flying over a stupid wall? Not to mention what a view-blocking wall like that will do to the property values!
It just seems that an all-knowing, all-powerful deity would think of a better idea for border control. Even I—a hardly-knowing, hardly-powerful mortal—can imagine better. Right off the top of my head I’m thinking ISD (Invisible Smart Dome).
If God can do anything, why not create an ISD to insulate Heaven’s border? The dome could be powered by a “smart” energy field that is able to self-scrutinize Heaven’s immigrants at the point of entry. This way nobody can fly over, nobody’s view will be blocked and Saint Peter could go back to his old job working as a much-needed harp tuner.
It’s kind of a no-brainer.
But hey, for the purposes of this Mocky Horror Scripture Show, let’s just say there is a Heaven and that it actually does have a big, stupid, view-blocking wall. Well that hardly means that America needs a wall as well. Remember, Heaven is a city trimmed in gold with the streets all paved in silver. In Heaven, nobody gets old or sick or fat and you don’t catch malware from internet porn. The Walking Dead airs a new episode every night and Johnny Cash plays the square every day. Everyone you have ever loved lives on the same block in Paradise, where potholes are always filled and garbage men sweep and straighten the cans after they leave.
Now compare that to America, where the streets are made from grime, computers come with malware pre-installed and sport franchises bail on their cities so often the team names don’t match the location anymore. I mean, since when did Utah become the home of Jazz?
Last night, for fun, I imagined what it was like in the Potomac ballroom where that CPAC panel was held. I imagined the questions that were posited by the audience at the end of the session.
Thanks for taking my question, Congressman Biggs. So, I was wondering, if America is like Heaven, does that mean Mexico is Hell? And if so, can we send Kanye down there?
Great panel Mr. Beauprez. Did you know Jesus builds the houses in Heaven? Maybe we should get him to build our wall?
I could go on mocking, but I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, enough Christian bashing already! And I understand that. However, keep in mind—as an opinion/humor writer licensed with The State of California Office of Farce and Frivolity (SCOFF)—I have certain obligations.
For instance, pursuant to Chapter 4, Section f.23 of the SCOFF Manual of Ethics and Standards, if a writer of an opinion/humor column is made aware of a major political conference which hosts a completely serious, unironic panel about modeling its country’s immigration policy after that of an invisible city that floats in the sky—and this panel was moderated by former and current members of Congress who discussed this concept as solemnly as if they were discussing the budget or foreign relations—he or she has an obligation, nay, a sworn duty, to make a complete and utter mockery out of it, its creators, its attendees and anyone else associated with it in any way. It is the law.