In 1930, a renowned philanthropist named Ellen Browning Scripps donated $60,000 to create a small lagoon-like niche at a La Jolla beach for children to swim in. Appropriately called “The Children's Pool,” it became instantly popular. Somewhere along the line, however, the seals and sea lions started using the pool and eventually contaminated it with their fecal detritus and other bacteria, making it unsuitable for human swimmers, forcing the government to advise against human use.
Now it's a federally protected seal rookery where seals get to do their sealy activities like sleep, birth, molt or just take refuge from predators. Many people love having the seals there, but a small group of La Jollans secured the support of City Councilmember Scott Peters, who wants the city to dredge Children's Pool, clean it out and return it to the children. Opponents want the seals left alone. Each side is convinced they are right and, today, in the name of civic duty, Sordid Tales donates this space for two resident La Jollans to debate the question at hand: “Yes or No-Should the city dredge Children's Pool and take it back for the children?”
By A. Seal
Hello. I am A. Seal. I've been following the Children's Pool debate for some time now and would laugh if it weren't so ludicrous. You say our excrement is polluting the pool? That's rich. Especially considering the interminable river of toxic sludge you pump into the ocean on a daily basis. Cripes, every time I swim past Ocean Beach, I have to wear a biohazard suit.
Do you know how ridiculous a seal looks in a biohazard suit?
The people who want the pool bulldozed and returned to humans are saying that Ellen Scripps intended Children's Pool to be for children and should thus be dredged and bulldozed to honor her intent, to which I say, “Who died and made Ellen Scripps king?” Sorry, but I do not recognize her authority to claim coastline for anyone, and I really can't believe how easily these crybaby La Jollans duped Councilmember Peters into caring about this thing in the first place.
“I was surprised,” Peters said, “how many people told me how saddened they were that they can't swim there with their children or their grandchildren.”
Did you catch that? He said “children and grandchildren”!
Oh man, Councilman, they played you like a flush to the ace. Not only did they pull out the old “for-the-children” card on your gullible ass, but they went and played the grandchildren card as well?
Hark! Is that a bulldozer I hear?
I can see you now, Councilman, sitting in some office with the crybaby La Jollans, your head in your hands and sobbing, “Oh my sweet Christ, not the grandchildren, too-is there no end to our suffering, Lord?”
What a tub of blubber.
You want a place for your kids and grandkids to play? Well, screw you. I'm trying to propagate my species over here; trying to get a bit of shut-eye without having to worry about a Great White flaying my innards into sealshi. I think that takes a little precedence over your need to play patty-cake in the water with your children and grandchildren.
It's so typical of human beings: You've got dozens and dozens of beaches all across the city that your precious pups can swim in anytime they goddam want, but no, you just have to have this spot, too. Why? Because all you do is take. Taking is your hobby. Taking more is your career. And taking it all is your fantasy. You take the trees, the ocean, the land, the sky. You move your radioactive bowels all over the planet, and then have the nerve to say it's the seals who are making a mess of the place! Oh, that's rich, just frikin' rich.
“Some biologists,” said Councilmember Peters, “have suggested that the seals... may begin colonizing other beaches, so will we close La Jolla Cove to diving, swimming and snorkeling?”
Huh? Did he actually just say we're gonna start colonizing?
That's right, Councilman, oh yeah, we're colonizing all right. Any day now we're gonna converge on La Jolla Cove, and South Casa Beach, and Wipeout Beach, and Shell Beach, too-a real D-Day it'll be. Then we'll invade inland La Jolla. We'll ride scooters and flipper the finger to old ladies on benches. We'll nap on your Jaguars and leave slime on the hood. We'll hang outside supermarkets and bark at your white women. We'll visit your homes, walk right up to your doors and go, “Knock knock...”
“Who is it?”
Then we'll barge inside, devour your precious children and grandchildren, drink your beer, fart on your couch and watch cable all day while rubbing our distended bellies-today La Jolla, tomorrow zee verld!
By The Children.
I want to go swimming, Mommy. Mommy, I want to go swimming. Why can't I go swimming, Mommy? I want to go swimming. How come the seals get to go swimming, Mommy, and I don't get to go swimming? Why can't I go swimming where the seals get to go swimming, Mommy?
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