OK, so it was Sunday, this past Fourth of July weekend, and Sandy and her softball team (The O.B. Porn Stars) decided to throw a party/picnic at Robb Field, the centerpiece of which would be a rousing game of sloshball—a great American institution.
We weren't sure about all the rules, just the primary one: the keg is placed at second base and no runner may advance to third unless he first guzzles a whole cup of beer. So we dragged the keg to second base, and were choosing up sides, when two female Robb Field employees approached to tell us that we could not have the keg in the infield.
It's not their fault, of course; they're just tiny cogs in the great machine of prohibitionist beer-hating funkilling. Nonetheless, I had to marvel at what a conurbation of beer-fearing pansy-sissies San Diego has become: No beer after 7th inning; no beer on the beach; no beer in the bong; and for criminy jesus shit-sake, don't even think about putting a keg on second base!
Damn this city sometimes—damn it all to Hell.
Every time some prohibitionist, funkilling ale-hater gets a pinecone in his arse about where we drink our beer, you end up here-on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, ready to play sloshball, with a bunch of your friends, on Independence freakin' Weekend (I won't bother mentioning that obvious irony), only to be told, “It is verboten!”
I'm told the law exists because having alcohol on the playing field is dangerous. I don't know, maybe because, during a sloshball game 23 years ago some stupid drunken runner guy was hit into a force play and-thinking the keg was the second basemen in a shiny, silver uniform-slid into the barrel to break up the double play and shattered his stupid drunken ankle.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Ahh, what's the big deal, Decker? You still had access to the keg in the dugout.
NO! No, no, NO! You cannot play sloshball with the keg in the dugout! The keg has to be at second base. Otherwise you end up as we did, having to place cups of beer on second where they get all warm and flat, with the dirty infield dust nuggets floating around in there. Who in sweet Shiva's briny armpits wants to guzzle warm, flat beer with dirty infield dust floaties?
Leave it to the long arm of San Diego law to pluck the funbarrel right out of the Independence Weekend sloshball game. Did I mention that sloshball is an American institution? Did I mention it was invented by Americans in America? It's Americans Americanning at their Americannest. Even Lee Greenwood likes sloshball!
Did you know there is an official, American Sloshball League? Sloshball.org is the official webpage for Sloshball U.S.A. It has teams in Tulsa, Anaheim, Houston, Toronto, San Francisco and, yes, even San Diego. There is a sloshball commissioner, a sloshball committee, a sloshball national anthem (every year it changes) and a sloshball hall of fame.
Anybody can apply to start a chapter in their city and, if selected, they: 1) must host a fully authorized yearly Sloshball game; 2) must supply the keg, free of charge; 3) must include women, and; 4) must insure that nobody takes the game seriously. In the immortal words of Sloshball International Committee member Sean Kahr, “It's not baseball, it's not softball, IT'S SLOSHBALL.”
And there you have it: sloshball was invented to remove the excessive competitive intensity and the testosterone and all that other stuff that can sometimes make softball ugly and dangerous. If anything, placing a keg at second base makes softball safer-because only an insipid, dung-flinging, bug-brained, jerkwad, earsucker would get hostile in the middle of a sloshball game. Sloshball isn't about winning; it's about having fun in the sun with good friends. All hail sloshball, an American institution.
Will you please rise and sing this year's Sloshball National Anthem (to the tune of “God Bless the U.S.A.”):
“And I'm proud to be a sloshballer/ 'Cause at least I know there's beer/ And I won't forget the men that died/ To let us have beer here/ And I'll gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today/ 'Cause their ain't no doubt I love this game/ God Bless you beer you say.” ©