“Heath Ledger is in Hell and has begun serving his eternal sentence.”That was a quote from the leaders of the Westboro Baptist Church, who, among others, are claiming that God killed Heath Ledger for portraying a homosexual in a big-time Hollywood movie.
While it is true that this particular church is wildly extreme, there have been plenty of other God-worshipper types who have made similarly despicable comments.
Like when local Christian crusader James Hartline said God started the San Diego County wildfires because he was mad at us for being hospitable to gays. Like when Pat Robertson said Hurricane Katrina was God punishing New Orleans for being gay-friendly. Like when Jerry Falwell—may he Rot In Purgatory (RIP)—said 9/11 happened because America's got the ACLU, the pro-choicers and, of course, the gays.
To me, the saddest part about you hardcore God-worshipper types isn't that you actually believe The Almighty is capable of this sort of behavior but, rather, that you believe it and continue to worship him.
Just look at his record:
1. Your God is a Jerk: This is the most obvious reason not to worship the kind of god you Hardcore God Worshippers worship. Among countless other transgressions, killing gays and sending them to Hell seems the sort of thing only a jerk would do.
2. Your God is Stupid: So, the Hardcore Worshippers believe The Heavenly Father smote Heath Ledger because he portrayed a homosexual in a big-time Hollywood movie. Does The Heavenly Father think movies are real? Does He not know that Heath Ledger was an, um, actor? It seems to me that an important quality of the ruler of the universe—creator of all things, all-powerful, all-knowing—is to not be a dimwit.
3. Your God is Inconsistent: If God's policy is to exterminate celebrities who portray homosexuals in Hollywood movies, then why is Gary Oldman still alive? Harry Hamlin? Patrice Donnelly? John Leguizamo? Why the hell is Matthew Broderick not dead yet, or at least suffering a Hell on Earth? The movie Torch Song Trilogy, in which Broderick acted gay, could easily be the poster film of the so-called homosexual agenda: It highlighted the injustices perpetrated amid an inhospitable culture. It delivered an awareness of and disgust for gay bashing. It testified to the rewards and benefits of gay adoption. Torch Song Trilogy has all the content a homophobic god would detest, yet Broderick's life is far from hellish. He's married to Sarah Sexica Parker, for crying out loud. It's just not consistent to allow him a life of bliss while worms burrow into Heath Ledger's eyeballs.
4. Your God Has Bad Aim: Even if the ridiculous were true, that God targets gays and people who act gay in movies, well, his collateral damage is unacceptable. Even a blindfolded Dick Cheney in a room full of 100 old white guys and one quail has better aim than Your God. How many heterosexuals who never acted gay in any Hollywood movies died on 9/11? How many hetero homes and lives were destroyed by Katrina and the wildfires? And what about the hetero babies, Lord?! How many straight babies must suffer before you consider subcontracting your hits to a pro!?I could never worship a deity with bad aim. I need a sure-shot god who can put a bullet between the eyes of an actor who portrayed a homosexual in a Hollywood movie without getting so much as a speck of blood on any heterosexual infants who never played a homosexual baby in a movie.
5. Your God is Bad at PR: Waiting until now to whack Heath Ledger is a weak PR move. God could have garnered way more press had he exacted his vengeance at the time of Brokeback Mountain's release. You know, like at the world premiere—on the red carpet—maybe drop an anvil on his head with a thousand shutterbugs recording it for the world to see and heed.
PR prowess is a profoundly important skill for a deity to have. Even Zeus knew that. All his smitings made front-page news—like when he chained Ixion to a wheel and cooked him slowly over the fires of Tartaras. That's how to get a message across.
I know what you're thinking, Hardcore God Worshippers. You're thinking The Lord's actions don't seem logical to us because “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”
Well, sorry, but you can't have it both ways. You can't say God works in a manner unknowable to man and then presume to know why he makes gay-acting actors overdose on pills. Besides, who wants to worship a mysterious deity? “Ooooh, you're so mysterious God. Spooky spooky. We don't know what you're doing or why, but we love you soooo much.”
To hell with that noise. I need a god that works in transparent ways, a god I can keep tabs on—a real god would want that because a real god's got nothing to hide.You know, for thousands of years, humans have argued, fought and killed one another over which is the one true Lord. It seems to me, there's no way any person can know this. It seems to me, the best we can do is just choose a deity that's worth worshipping. Then, if we're wrong, at least we aren't wrong and worshipping a stupid jerk.It's simple, really: All we have to do is look at our all our god options, scrutinize their manifests and the commandments until we find one we can get behind—a kind and wise god; a reasonable god; a common-sense kind of god that understands that movies are make-believe; a god who does not say, “Burn in Hell, queer,” but, rather, says, “I made you as you are, child, so go forth and be the best damn gay you can be!”; a god who loves all the people he creates, unconditionally, unless they are total losers—like rapists, murderers and Patriot fans—each of which The Almighty will deliver a thousand lightning bolts unto their faces, with sure-shot aim, so as not to hurt others. Anything less deserves our contempt, not devotion.
Write to firstname.lastname@example.org., and visit the newly remodeled www.edwindecker.com.