By now, many of you have heard about Ann Coulter's new book, Godless: The Church of Liberalism. For those of you who don't know Ann Coulter, she is the conservative journalist/author/cable-news commentator who loves to espouse her wildly extreme opinion about liberals in much the same way that wrecking balls like to espouse their opinions about inferior structures.
For instance, in Godless, she ruthlessly attacks “The Jersey Girls”-a collective of four wives whose husbands were killed in the World Trade Center attacks and who have since become anti-Bush political activists. Coulter says The Jersey Girls are “self-obsessed” and “celebrity-seeking broads,” and she even went so far as to call them harpies.
“These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husbands' death so much.”
As usual when an Ann Coulter book comes out, liberals get all whipped up about her coarse invective. And all the lefty talking heads start bemoaning what an abomination she is, and how wrong it is for her to say these sorts of things.
This is what I hate about liberals. OK, well, not all liberals. Just the ones who drone about all the mean, insensitive things said by conservatives. I call them labials-as in pussy-ass liberals. They fear and loathe bad ideas and bad words and demand that you fear and loathe them, too. That's bullshit. Words are powerless. I can call you “nigger” all day long, but what does that have to do with who you really are? Doesn't it really say more about me than it does about you? Words are just air. An exhale ever so slightly manipulated by tongue and mouth. Who ever knocked anyone down with an exhale?
Remember this poem? Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words have no bone-breaking qualities whatsoever.
Another argument levied against Ann Coulter is that the only reason she can get away with writing such vituperation is because she's an attractive blonde.
First of all, what exactly is she getting away with? She's being torn to shreds right now. Secondly, there is nothing about Ann Coulter that could be confused with “attractive.” The woman's smile lines look like The Riddler's. She is malnourished, pasty-faced and appears as though the staple of her diet is actual staples-the pointy metal silver ones (and the occasional stapler when she's really hungry). Her cheekbone is a mantelpiece large enough to display a dead husband's urn on. Her long, straight, blonde hair falls limply upon her neck and shoulders like the tumbling dead body of a sniper shot off a roof. She's got a teensy little Adams crabapple that zings up and down her neck when she gets excited, and when she argues, her slimy, thin lips flap wildly against each other like humping worms.
No, I would not fuck Ms. Coulter with Alan Colmes' vagina. But like it or not, she speaks for a whole lot of people in this country. Labials don't like to think about that. They prefer to stifle the message because they don't like the messenger. This is a mistake. Just because the messenger is a fiend from Hell doesn't mean the message is wrong. When Hitler says 2+2=4, there is no amount of Jews he could whack that would make that not true.
Ditto Coulter. She's a hellhag, to be certain. But sometimes she makes a valid point. Such as her argument about The Jersey Girls.
“Their positions as widows immunize them from any criticism or debate over their opinions.”
You know, there's a lot of truth to that. There is just too much PC stifling going around today. In this current climate of political debate, you cannot criticize the victims of 9/11 without being demonized as a hater. Thus, the debate is stifled and The Jersey Girls get to promote their opinions unmolested.
Of course, Ann Coulter is no better. In her perfect world, you wouldn't be able to criticize George Bush. President Coulter would throw you in jail for treason if you did-a hypocrisy that's lost on her because she is some sort of alien lizard creature whose sole purpose in life is to stifle opinions different than hers: If you criticize the war, it means you hate the troops. If you prefer that government and religion be separate, you are godless, if you believe in Darwinism, you are a godless orangutan. If you are for a woman's right to choose, then you are pro-abortion. If you are a proponent of due process, you are pro-criminal.
And pretty much everything she said about The Jersey Girls could be said about her. Ann Coulter is self-obsessed. She seeks celebrity and revels in it. She, too, is a millionaire. And if anybody is a harpy-which is defined by Dictionary.com as “a malicious, fierce-tempered woman”-it's Ann freaking Coulter. She makes all other harpies look like Laura Ingalls napping in a covered wagon. Yes, the woman is the personification of hypocrisy.
But we already knew that.
What maybe we didn't know is that the labials aren't any different. They throw pies at her, defame photos by drawing a swastika on her forehead and writing such captions as “Nazi slime disease” and make death threats, ultimately proving Coulter's original point-that you can't criticize the victims of 9/11.
But the worst offense committed by these labials is their utter stupidity and inability to identify Coulter's intentions. She just pushes their buttons and they act accordingly. The more offended they are, the happier she is. They just fall right into her trap. I liken them to Alaskan king crabs of the Bering Sea-drawn to the bait like the stupid, unoriginal decapods they are. Then the evil Coulter-harpy just hoists the pots onto the deck, cackling while the crabs raise their arms and snap their claws-clack, clack, clack, clack-in protest of how mean she is, and what gives her the right to say such horrible things about the victims of 9/11 and-ah, shut yer plankton hole, you stupid liberal crab bastards-the First Amendment gives her the right. End of story.
Email ed[at]edwindecker[dot]com and editor[at]SDcitybeat[dot]com.