Image via Shutterstock
Manny Pacquiao is in the news again, this time over an apology fail for what he said about the LGBTQ community back in February. Pacquiao is the boxer-turned-Filipino senator who told CNN that "animals are better" than humans because they don't engage in homosexual acts, a remark that caused global outrage and a loss of his Nike endorsement.
Now, some six months later, he has apologized for comparing gay folk to animals. The reason I call it an apology fail is because he still claims homosexuality is a sin, and he still believes this is proved by the absence of same sex behavior in nature—which means that Pacquiao (and his fellow animal truthers) are buffoons.
First, even if it were true that there is no homosexuality in the wild, it would no more prove that God hates gays than it proves God hates violinists because lizards don't fiddle. I mean, I've never seen a parakeet play Parcheesi so does that mean board games are immoral? Utterly ridiculous.
Secondly, there most certainly is same sex behavior in nature, and it's absurd to say otherwise. But hey, don't you just love these "fact" spewing bigots who boldly declare their fact-less facts as if they were factual? It's something LGBTQs have been dealing with since, like, forever.
Such as when all those Christian conservative blowhards kept stating the fact-less fact that, "Since the dawn of time, marriage has been defined as being between a man and a woman." Or, when they fact-lessly claimed that children raised by gay parents were statistically more likely to grow up with behavioral problems. Or, when they cited an imaginary, invisible, non-existent—yet somehow "scientific"—study of a correlation between homosexuality and pedophilia. Or, when they claimed that allowing gays in the military would dismantle our national defense. All of which—like this notion that there are no fairies in the forest—are fact-less factoids pulled out of the fact-free assholes of the bigots who utter them.
C'mon, Manny. How are you gonna look at a flamingo and tell me there are no dandies in nature? Flamingos are so gay it hurts their sphincters to put both feet down. Homosexual behavior has been documented in more than 1,500, species and you would have known that if you had just dug around a bit before opening your fat, prejudiced mouth. Here's a friendly suggestion for all you animal truthers. First, power up that metal box on your desk (it's called a computer but you probably know it as a masturbachine). Next, open your porn-finder (also called a browser) and Google the phrase "What is Google for and how do I use it?" After you read the instructions, perform a search on "Homosexual behavior among animals." Do this and you will learn that, actually, male bighorn sheep engage in oral and anal sex quite regularly. You will learn that male grey whales like to rub their genitals against each other's bellies in groups (a kind of oceanic circle jerk). You will learn that some Amazon river dolphins like to mount the blowholes of other males, and bottlenose dolphin babes occasionally use their snouts to penetrate the vaginas of other females.
You will learn—and I know this will make you crazy—that Mother Nature condones gay adoption. For instance two gay, male griffon vultures in the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo circa 1998 raised two chicks that were placed in the nest by zookeepers. Two boy penguins in the New York's Central Park Zoo adopted an egg, hatched it and raised that chick to adulthood. And nearly 25 percent of black swan chicks in the wild are parented by same-sex parents, yet not a single one of them ever knocked over a liquor store. Admittedly, the adopted vultures did engage in some aggressive, anti-social behavior—you know, stalking the sick and elderly—but according to experts, that's what vultures do.
Here's a fact that is so factual it's whack! In 2003, A Dutch scientist named Kees Moeliker won a Noble Prize in Biology for his paper about a male mallard he observed humping the anus of a deceased male mallard— for over an hour! The study was later the inspiration behind The Homosexual Necrophiliac Duck Opera (and that's a fact, Pacq!).
Want more examples? Elephants have been observed engaging in same-sex trunk-play, among other things. Bears have been known to get on the Grindr tip, too, though sometimes there is confusion about who's the "bear" and who's the camper. Male lions— et tu King of the Jungle?— have been observed performing anal sex after some tender nuzzling and cuddling which, well, anal penetration is one thing but cuddling? That's going too far!
Insects are also known to partake: Bed bugs are bisexual for instance. They're attracted to other, recently fed, blood-engorged bed bugs regardless of gender. Gut worms are thought by some to have random homosexual encounters. And while there is no concrete evidence of homosexuality among army ants, scientists believe it's because the queen enforces a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.
The list goes on: 10 to 15 percent of female gulls exhibit Sapphic behavior, mallards queer-out at a rate of nearly 20 percent, bison at 55 percent. And 94 percent—yes, 94 percent!—of giraffe-sex is jolly.
And those, my animal truther friends, are some real true facts. I know because I fact-checked to ensure they comply with the requirements of factivity, also known as research. You should try it sometime.