Sorry, my throat is a little scratchy from all the cheerin' and a-yellin' I did on election night. Allow me to clear it again.
Now, a word about last Tuesday's—ahem—landslide. It seems that some of the Republican faithful, most notably the Christian right, are having difficulty processing the reelection of our Arab, Muslim, Kenyan, terrorist-sympathizing, America-hating, gay-friendly, illegitimate, apologist, food-stamping, pot-smoking, commie, pinko, socialist president.
They're also quite perturbed about the—ahem—loss of several key U.S. Senate seats, as well as the fact that four more states have approved (hallelujah!) gay marriage and two more have legalized (yippee ki yay!) marijuana for recreational use.
So, yes, it was a field day for the lefty-liberal, queer-mongering, pot-smoking, abortion-loving, commie, pinko, socialist crowd, but don't get your teabags all in a knot, my Christian-conservative compatriots, because the reelection of President Barack Hussein Obama was part of God's plan.
How do I know it was God's plan? Because when Mitt Romney started gaining serious, post-first-debate momentum, it was God who dropped hurricane Sandy on top of New Jersey to blow away any hope Romney had of being president (and also to see if he couldn't take out a Jonas Brother or two).
Now, before all you Christian-conservative types try to say that I can't possibly know the political leanings of the Lord thy God, nor assign acts of nature and other disasters to a divine agenda, may I remind you of a little thing we free-thinking independents refer to as "history."
Remember when 9/11 happened, and televangelists Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, James Robison and their ilk said that God punished America because of all the lefty, liberal, secularists running around doing all their drugs and gay sex and promoting commie-pinko-socialist ideals (like—ahem—helping the poor and healing the sick)? Apparently, God was so mad at America for allowing the left to exist that he hired terrorists to fly planes into buildings, killing 3,000 citizens (not of all of whom, by the way, were lefty-liberal, commie, pinko, socialist queers) and scaring the shit out of everyone else.
When Katrina descended onto the people of New Orleans, Pat Robertson, Dr. Albert Mohler, Pastor John Hagee and their ilk said God was punishing them for all the drinking and dancing—and being all gay and shit—during Mardi Gras. We were told that the 2011 Virginia earthquake was God telling us to change our lefty-liberal ways; ditto Hurricane Isaac last August; ditto Haiti; ditto the tsunami in Japan, about which a televangelist psycho-witch named Cindy Jacobs said, "When we break God's law, it actually causes cycles of nature to come afterwards."
And what I want to know is, where are all these freaks of nomenclature now? Aren't they using the same scientific method they have in the past to determine the will of God? Why aren't they now shouting through their bullhorns that God sent hurricane Sandy to ensure that Barack Obama would win the presidency and continue to usher in his pot-smoking, gay-loving, commie-pinko-socialist agenda?
What's that you say, Pat Robertson? I can't hear you. It's kinda quiet over there at "The 700 Schlub." What about you, James Robison? Nothing to add? Wuttup, Rev. Mohler, Pastor Hagee and the rest? Why are you now not announcing to the world that God has made his choice and he chooses pro-choice!? He's gone pro-pot, pro-gay, pro-separation-of-church-and-state and pro-helping-the-poor-and-sick. Wait, huh, what? Got nothing to say now? Well, good! Let that be the end of all this "God-sent-a-hurricane-because he-hates-[fill in the blank]" nonsense.
Actually, there were some evangelist-goons out there who did cite Sandy as a message that God hates the left. Only problem is, they said it before the election, not knowing Sandy would actually help Obama.
John McTernan, of Defend and Proclaim the Faith, blamed the storm on the gays. Pastor Luke Robinson of a church in Maryland said that Sandy hit New York City because Mayor Bloomberg donated money to a Maryland pro-gay activist group. Indeed, tweets from Christian-right spokespeople blaming the hurricane on various entities of the left were flying all over the place.
So, let me clear my throat, baby-pop. If it's—ahem—true that God hates Obama, and the left in general, he never would have conjured that tempest. He's God, for crying out loud! He would have known it would help get Obama elected. In fact, if he'd summoned Sandy, he would have to send a monsoon up to Heaven to punish himself for causing Obama to be reelected.
Of course, you all know that I don't buy into any of this crap. Any half-blind quarter-wit knows, when it comes to determining the will of God, we're just making it up as we go. After all, it's just as likely that hurricane Sandy devastated New Jersey as punishment for Snooki than any political reason. It could just as easily have been retribution for Bon Jovi, Lauryn Hill (yeech), David Copperfield, Campbell's Soup (too much sodium) or—ahem—Bruce Springsteen's latest album (not enough cowbell).