Here's what's what regarding the debacle surrounding the feud between Perez Hilton and Miss California: Everybody involved is either an idiot or an asshole. Let's examine why:
1. Miss California (Designation: Idiot):
Yeah, sure, Carrie Prejean's bigoted worldview is assholish in nature, and, yes, stupid and bigoted is a frightening combination, but I believe she's a bigot because she's an idiot. Just look at her answer to Perez Hilton about whether to legalize gay marriage.
“I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage.”
Um, Carrie, honey—yes, America is great because, typically, we are allowed to make choices, but that's not what you're advocating dumbass! You're advocating the lack of choice. You're advocating that we permit only “opposite marriage,” which, apparently, is a union between the North and the South Poles.
Here's another doozy:
“… I think, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised, and that's how I think that it should be between a man and a woman.”
Huh? What? Did this girl go to the Sarah Palin School of Utterly Maddening Gibberish? Being that Ms. Prejean is a San Diegan, and she might actually read this column, I will respond with more maddening gibberish so she can comprehend:
Dear Carrie, I think, in my orange, in my pencil, I think that I believe that I feel that I think that a marriage should be between a person with an I.Q. over 70 and a person who can formulate a sentence. No offense to any of you bumbling bimbo retards out there.
2. Perez Hilton. (Designation: Asshole).
“She lost because she's a dumb bitch,” said Hilton on his video blog, adding, “This is how a person with half a brain answers the question….” Then Hilton imitated the voice of Prejean answering the question properly: “‘Hmmm, Perez that's a great question. And I think the answer is that each state should decide for themselves....'” Perez finished his crude Prejean impersonation and added, snottily, “She could've said something along those lines, but she didn't!”
Hey, fucknose, she answered the question truthfully. Only a self-involved, egotistic asshole would interview someone and demand she give his answer to the question rather than hers, which is basically interviewing yourself.
Also, did you notice how, in his interview with himself, he praised himself about what a great question it was? He did it on Larry King Live, too.
“‘Hmmm, Perez,'” he cooed to King, taking the voice of Miss California again, “‘that's a great question.'” Don't you have to be a wildly narcissistic asshole to interview yourself and tell yourself what a great interviewer you are? I'm surprised he didn't respond to his own question by saying, “‘Hmmm, Perez, what a fabulous question I just asked me. So smart, Perez. And what a hunk, too. I would totally do me.'”
3. The Miss California USA Organization (Designation: Asshole).
Miss California USA is fuming over two sexy photos of Prejean that have recently surfaced. By the time you read this, the organization will have announced its decision about whether to strip her title. Sure, she signed a morality contract. But neither of those photos are any more revealing than what she wore in the swimsuit competition. The raciest of the two shows Prejean with her back to the camera, topless, arms sufficiently cloaking her breasts and her gorgeous, pink-panties-covered buttocks pointing upward as if deciding which color to paint the ceiling. In other words, it's a standard Maxim magazine cover photo that really isn't any more controversial than pictures of sagging pygmy grandma tits in National Geographic. Therefore, I think, in my country, in my family, that these Miss California assholes are contesting Prejean's title because of her point of view.
4. Anti-Gay Marriage Organizations (Designation: Uncertain).
The National Organization for Marriage (NOM), for example, produced an ad (featuring Prejean) claiming that gay-rights activists are attacking “free speech” and “religious liberty.” Now, I can't verify whether NOM is mistaken or outright lying but, to clarify, nobody is suggesting the government prohibit Carrie Prejean from speaking her mind; nor is anybody demanding that any given religious outfit recognize or perform gay marriages, making the National Marriage Organization either an idiot or an asshole.
5. Pro-Gay Marriage Organizations (Designation: Idiots).
Many pro-gay-marriage activists are attacking Prejean for such hypocritical-to-her-faith actions as getting breast enhancements, posing for racy photos and being a media whore—basically, shooting the messenger—all the while forgetting that it's not about Miss California and that half the goddamn state, and most of the goddamn country, still vigorously opposes same-sex marriage and that very few of those people get boob jobs or pose for sexy photos. Point is, it doesn't matter if Miss California eats babies, worships Hitler and is currently filming the sequel to “Two Girls, One Cup” (working title: “One Girl, Two D Cups”). Point is, we should focus on the issue, not the spokesperson—doing the opposite is idiotic.Write to firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com. Claim your free lifetime supply of yogurt at www.edwindecker.com.