I just read a poll that reported 16 percent of California Republicans (as of this writing) support Mitt Romney as the Republican presidential nominee. Sixteen percent! The poll has him tied with Fred Thompson for second place. In Michigan and Massachusetts (where he was governor) he's in first place. Christ-in-Hell, the guy won the Iowa Straw poll!
It's inconceivable to consider, but Mitt Romney has a reasonable shot at being our next president. To that I would like to say, 'Um, hel-lo! People! Haven't you heard? Mitt Romney is a freaking Mormon, a member of the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints! Do you know what that means? It means the man is about a dozen french fries short of a combo meal.'
'The people of [Iowa] have sent a message to the rest of the country,' Romney declared in his straw-poll victory speech.
Oh, Iowa has sent a message, alright--and the message is: Iowans are nuts! They're bonkers! Insane! You have to be several Sundays short of a calendar month to vote for a Mormon for president.
Just look at some of their beliefs. On top of all that Old Testament voodoo that the Latter Day Saints have in common with other Christians, Mormons also believe in all this other crazy-ass shit that is even more unbelievable. For instance:
• Mormons believe God wants them to wear special underwear that has magical properties.
• Mormons believe the Garden of Eden is in Spring Hill, Mo. (which is daft considering everyone knows it's located on a tropical cloud island floating in the sky).
• Mormons believe that John the Apostle is still alive, healthy, un-aged and walking among us, incognito, doing Christ's work (the fact that he is a couple thousand years old but doesn't look a day over 280 doesn't seem to bother them).
• Mormons believe that if you live a proper life, you will be reborn as a god in the afterlife.
• Mormons believe that God, the Supreme Being and inventor of the universe, has not always been that way but attained supreme-being status through 'righteous living and persistent effort'--which is just goofy. OK, if God was originally a human who lived a perfect life, thereby upgrading himself to god status, then how could he have invented the universe? The universe would already have had to exist for him to excel in it. And if God didn't invent the universe, then who did? Well, that would have to be another god, a higher god--the Head Honcho God--meaning the deity who Mormons worship is of a lower order. In other words, Mitt Romney is worshipping a temp.
Yeah, you have to leap right off the bridge of reason and splatter yourself upon the concrete of insanity to believe all this LDS hoo-ha, especially knowing what we know about their founder and messiah, Joseph Smith.
Joseph Smith was a third-rate con artist. A scamp. Of his more famous swindles was his seer stone hoax. He claimed to have enchanted rocks that could divine where certain treasures were buried and would gladly find that buried treasure for you for a modest fee.
So people kept paying him money and, because stones can't see shit, he kept not finding any treasure. This was the kind of person the founder and messiah of the Latter Day Saints was. So, after all of Joseph Smith's scams and schemes, wouldn't you have to be berserker than a dung beetle dangling in a spider web to believe anything that came out of his mouth? Especially his incredible story about how The Book of Mormon came to be.
Joseph Smith claimed to be visited by an angel named Moroni who told him to go up a hill and locate a series of golden plates (later to become The Book of Mormon), which were engraved with the word of God. These plates, among other lunacies, decreed him to take multiple wives.
Now, I ask you, which is more likely--that Joseph Smith was tiring of his wife's vaginal topography and wanted to explore other options, or that God spoke to him via ancient biblical angels and wrote stuff on golden plates that he hid in the mountains?
Before you answer, keep in mind, the man was a well-known cad. He would try to coax women into having sexual relations with him by saying it was what God wanted. When they refused and reported his misconduct to the tribe, Smith would claim he was merely testing the lady's virtuousness and that she had passed the test. And people bought it! Eventually, Smith realized that con job wasn't getting him all the action he was hoping for, so he changed his story to 'God told me to have multiple wives'--and they bought that, too!
Incidentally, a Mormon who still practices polygamy is called a 'fundamentalist.' Mitt Romney supporters are quick to point out that he is not a fundamentalist, does not practice plural marriage and is still married to his first wife. Some people view this as a virtue. I view it as further proof that he is the wrong man to be president. Because he doesn't even have the nuts to practice his religion properly.
Mitt Romney's version of Mormonism is watered-down, circumcised, mutilated and abridged. The only true Mormon is a fundamentalist Mormon because polygamy, according to Joseph Smith (their messiah) and the Book of Mormon, is a mandate from God. Not a request, not a suggestion, but a direct order from the One Big Boss. Oh sure, you have to be a stepsister short of a Cinderella tale to be a fundie Mormon, but at least you'd be consistent. Mitt Romney, on the other hand, is crazy and inconsistent, which makes him the last guy on Earth whose fingers you want on the buttons of your missile silos.
Write to firstname.lastname@example.org., and visit the newly remodeled www.edwindecker.com.