“I am not a citizen of the world. I think the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous!” —Newt GingrichWow, Newt, you really are a retard.
Now, it should be noted that I do not intend for the word “retard” to be insulting to our mentally handicapped brothers and sisters (Newt gives retards a bad name); rather, “retarded” is meant in its truer, original sense, as in, “regressive,” “stunted” and / or “expressing non-progressive thinking or behavior.” Because that's exactly what this is—yet another flailing neo-conservative, detached from power and still clinging to the same goonish approach to global affairs that nearly ruined us in the first place.
“I am not a citizen of the world.”
What a stupid, pompous, myopic, protectionist, exceptionalist, isolationist, elitist, egotistic, narcissistic, regressive, recessive, rootin'-tootin' retarded thing to say.
First of all, Newt, by definition you are a citizen of the world. You may not be a willing citizen, but you are most definitely a citizen. And this notion you have, that Americans should only care about Americans and everyone else can suck your salty jowls, well, the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous.
Think it through, man. Unless you're planning to move to Venus anytime soon, you will remain a citizen of this planet. Doesn't it make sense, then, to be positive, productive and engaged since what happens in the world affects you, your family and your country?
Newt, dude, didn't you know? The world is a neighborhood. Not that you know anything about neighborhoods, being that you probably live behind barbed-wire walls with gun towers, tire spikes and three-headed hell-hounds poised to gnash the throats of any Girl Scout interlopers who wander by. However, for the rest of us, who live in regular houses on regular streets, we have these things called “neighbors,” and we know the value of having and being a good one.
We know the value of having and living near a well-maintained homestead, with a trimmed yard and clean sidewalk. We know the value of living near the kind of neighbor who always has a cup of sugar to loan, smiles when you pass them on the street and plans their keg parties with regard for those who have to get up for work the next the morning. We know it's much better to have and be that kind of neighbor than to be the miserly old grump whose yard is overgrown with weeds, hogs two parking spaces with one car and yells at any kids who hit a baseball onto his property. But this miserly old grump is exactly who Newt Gingrich wants America to be in the world neighborhood. And, by God, thanks to the Bush administration, that's exactly who we are, because when that 'tard was in office, the whole freaking planet hated our guts.
“I am not a citizen of the world.”
This mindset also goes to the heart of the Guantanamo problem. I was having an argument the other night with a friend of a friend. His position was that the detainees don't deserve American rights, such as due process, habeas corpus and the rest.
“So you want to give the guys who plotted 9/11 the same rights as American citizens?” he asked. The question is the reddest of herrings. He's equating al-Qaeda with law-abiding American citizens. That's the wrong comparison. The right comparison would be: “So you want to give accused foreigners the same rights as accused Americans?”
The answer to which is, “Yes. Duh.”
Dick Cheney said the same thing: “The Obama administration wants to give terrorists the same rights as U.S. citizens.”No, fucknuggets, listen! We're saying that it's wrong to incarcerate people—whether accused of terrorism, murder, racketeering or rape; whether they live in America, Iraq, Afghanistan or on Venus—without first proving they did anything wrong!
Seven years. That's how long some of these people have been rotting in that hothouse. Seven years without access to lawyers, courtrooms, due process, etc. But, hey, they're not Americans, so why should we care?
The great irony of Newt's comment is that he unknowingly insulted Ronald Reagan, the reigning hero of the Retardlican Party. In a 1982 speech to the U.N., he said, “I speak today as both a citizen of the United States and of the world.”
Say what you want about President Reagan, he did at least one humongously awesome thing during his tenure. He was instrumental in bringing down the Berlin Wall and ending the Cold War, largely because he had much of the world behind him. To extend the neighborhood metaphor, it was as if the miserly old grump Gorbachev had finally gone too far and erected a 50-foot, razor-clawed, blood-dripping effigy of Freddie to frighten all the children, and Reagan calmly gathered all the neighbors, marched over to the miser's house, and shouted from the sidewalk, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that scarecrow!”
Oh, Newt, Dick, George, don't you see? It didn't work. The American people—and the world—rejected your boorish worldview, and because of that, you were stripped of power. Had you played nice a little, had you listened and talked more than you tortured and warmongered, you might still be in power. Of course, it's your stubborn, egotistic mindset that blinds you to that fact. So you cling to your old, wrong ideas and never grow or change, which makes you a bunch of retarded retards. Write to firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com. For more overpowering, painfully obvious common sense, visit www.edwindecker.com.