So here comes New Year's Eve, also known as “Rookie Night.” Man, what a hassle.
Nothing personal, mind you. I feel no superiority to those who are inept or uncomfortable in a nightclub setting. I glean no further esteem from having more experience than your typical rookie or lightweight, and anyone who does must certainly have a tiny little turd of a mind.
However, just because I don't consider rookies inferior doesn't mean I want to hang out with them, either. Rookies gum up the gears of the great, drink-making machine: They don't know how to order drinks in a timely and organized fashion. They tend to be inexperienced drunks-starting fights or creating silly dramas that distract the staff. They tend to order more fu-fu-y drinks that muddy the sinks and blenders.
Every year around this time, the media becomes flooded with articles and radio reports and television mag-casts about bars and boozing. They are almost always geared toward the rookie, answering such rookie-esque concerns about New Year's Eve as: What's in a cosmopolitan martini, and what amount constitutes a fair gratuity, and how to designate a driver.
But you never see any articles geared toward the veteran degenerate. You never see any articles that answer any of the questions or concerns they might have, such as, Which narcotics are best suited for New Year's Eve? Or the most important question the veteran boozer has about New Year's Eve: How can I keep my rookie encounters to a bare minimum on the most popular rookie night of all? This is why I'm proud to present to you Ed Decker's...
How to Enjoy New Year's Eve:
Tips and Advice for Accomplished Boozers and Veteran Degenerates
1. Pre-Organize the After-Hours Party: This means finding someone who can host and making sure their place is stocked with booze. Do this a day or two in advance, and you won't have to worry about getting to a liquor store before the big hand of Damocles clicks on 2 a.m.
2. Score Your Drugs in Advance: Such a simple rule, yet you'd be shocked at how many veteran degenerates don't do it, usually because they're certain somebody else will bring the drugs, which is exactly what the other guy was thinking. Jesus Christ, man, be prepared!
Pro tips: Score your drugs in advance. Buy more drugs than you need. Share your drugs with whomever wants them.
3. Start Late/End Ridiculously Later: The first and, I think, most important thing you can do to have the best New Year's Eve possible with minimal close encounters of a rookie kind, is to go out late-I'd say 11:15 p.m. at the earliest. This way, you won't miss the tolling of the new year, and you won't have to spend too much time in the presence of the you-know-whos.
4. Rally the Troops for the After-Party: About an hour before closing time, get to all the other degenerates you know and tell them when and where the after-party is. On New Year's Eve, you can expect anywhere from 10 to 20 people to join you. These will almost always be accomplished boozers. At this point, any rookies hiding among you will be uncovered and rooted.
5. Rally the (Dwindling) Troops for the Early-Morning Bar Re-Opening (EMBO): The after-hours party is only just the warm-up for the real party. The real party begins at 6 a.m., when the bars are legally allowed to open. At about 5 a.m., I'd start rallying the troops (again) for this next, most important leg of the journey: EMBO! At this point, you'll probably be down to about four to seven drunken souls left, each one a depraved boozebag cretin in their own way-which is why I call it “The Real Party.”
Pro tip: The secret to a perfect EMBO is getting to the bar before it opens. There is nothing that gives you that Oh-man-am-I-a-depraved-cretin-of-the-highest-order introspection quite like standing outside a bar at 5:50 a.m. waiting for the doors to open.
6. Rally the Troops for the Morning Bar Crawl: After a few drinks at the aforementioned pub-of-choice, it's time to go barhopping among all the other early-morning bars you can find: Lucy's, Tilted Stick, Arizona and Silver Fox, far as I know, all still open at 6 a.m. There are dozens more. And isn't it just a fantastic joy wading your way through the city's wretched morning bars, doggy-paddling among all the other heavyweights who scuttle around this city like drunken water-spiders with nary a rookie in sight?
7. Over-Indulge in Whatever You are Resolving Out of Your Life in '06: For many, it's cigarettes, or maybe cocaine, or red meat, or whatever. For me, this year, it's carne asada burritos and late-night binge eating.
8. Endgame: OK, the world is reeling now. You're on your 18th Raz and Red Bull and you're turning into an ogre. At this point, I'd like you to remember that you are a still a professional. Stumble out of that bar with grace and dignity. Take out a cocktail table if you must, but take it out with the respect that it deserves. It's been a faithful perch for your drinks and drunken elbows-knock it over with respect. And when you finally step outside-with the sun-spears of despair stabbing at the mush that was once your eyeballs-use this moment to reflect on where your life has been, and where you are heading, and if there are any Roberto's in walking distance.
E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and editor@SD citybeat.rookie.